Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”

“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the
matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:

Wait for it…………..

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“It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side."
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

The Annual Ig Nobel Prizes have been announced today..

Full list is here but this one is my favourite:
Peace Prize: Alexander Lukashenko, president of Belarus, for making it illegal to applaud in public, and to the Belarus State Police, for arresting a one-armed man for applauding.
How? :roll:
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

How :?:

How do idiots like this get into positions where they can wield such insane powers?
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

I've been to Belarus Steve, it's an interesting place to visit...

I certainly saw noting to applaud when I was there so I'd be safe...
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but ..
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!!
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.
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.

Boy: *talking to himself* I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW ?! How can I get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS ?!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

A man's random thoughts: 

I went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick, who was snoring and farting, so I knew I'd made it home OK! 
   
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But, strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
 
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that the local cafe serves breakfast until 11:30.
 
My wife packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A Government survey has found that (in some inner cities) 58% of children cannot write properly, 40% of children cannot read, and the remaining 39% cannot add up.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Trainman wrote: A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
Brilliant :lol:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

A vacation is supposed to be your time away from the crazy. Remind me never to travel to any of the same vacation spots these people have booked. I'll take that upgrade and trade you a bus tour of "OH MY GOD THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS!"

--

These are actual complaints received from dissatisfied customers by Thomas Cook Vacations (based on a Thomas Cook/ABTA survey):

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

^^ Nitwit Tours plc :)

I heard one where a couple complained at not getting a sun tan on their cruise - in Alaska :shock:
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Post by addo »

I had a chuckle at this:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/soci ... 3092779851" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Trainman wrote: 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
:rofl:

Love it :lol:

I guess they were blondes...
Addo wrote:I had a chuckle at this:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/soci" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; ... 3092779851
I found that so, so, so, incredibly funny, the most funniest thing I ever read. It had me laughing out loud for hours and hours and hours..
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

A Mancunian and a Scouser go into Greggs the baker's.

The Scouser nicks 3 pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Mancunian, "did you see that?" "The staff never even saw me."

The Mancunian says, "that's (-expletive removed-) all mate, watch this."

So the Mancunian goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "gimme a pie and I'll show you some magic," and eats the pie in front of him, and then does it twice more.

The manager says, "so, where's the magic in that?"

The Mancunian says, "go and check that scouser's pocket."
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

David Cameron was visiting a primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked David if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So, Britain's illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said David. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained David, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Paddy raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Nick Clegg was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed David, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Paddy, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either !!
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

That's a nice pair Steve :-D