Joke I found funny...

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Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

I said to my Welsh girlfriend, "I just ran to the shops to get you your hair shampoo"

"Pantene?" she asked

I said "Yeah, I'm completely out of breath"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and £81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

... John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Why is sex like algebra?




Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
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Post by addo »

Cut and paste, but still funny:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/jokes-on ... understand" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

addo wrote:Cut and paste, but still funny:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/jokes-on ... understand" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
That's brilliant. I guess getting all of them means I'm a nerd :roll:

I love these two:

'Entropy isn't what it used to be'

and

'Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25'
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A couple took a bit of thought, but I got them all in the end. I am on the way to being a nerd. Oops.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Hell Razor5543 wrote: I am on the way to being a nerd. Oops.
No, I'd say you've been one for some time James. Like me, a fully paid-up member of that particular club :roll:
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Post by addo »

She: "The weather bureau is predicting 0.1mm of snow tonight!"
Me: I hope they've got a micrometer to measure it with.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Swiped from The Independent
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid. I was petrified...
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Excellent Steve, I love them all...
myglaren wrote: 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
Reminds me of a joke I know about a UDP packet. I'd tell you but you probably wouldn't get it.....
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

CitroJim wrote:
Reminds me of a joke I know about a UDP packet. I'd tell you but you probably wouldn't get it.....
=D> :-D
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

MALE LOGIC

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?
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Post by addo »

I kid you not...

Father (to me, today) "What is this Android thing? Is it a brand of phone?"

He has an iPhone - which he loves. :roll:
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Chris570
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Chris570 »

CitroJim wrote:Excellent Steve, I love them all...
myglaren wrote: 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
Reminds me of a joke I know about a UDP packet. I'd tell you but you probably wouldn't get it.....
[nerd] surely you mean "i'd never know if you got it" [/nerd]

of course the recipient wouldnt know what he was missing out on either

I'll get my coat
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Post by addo »

Stolen from CitroAddict on another forum:

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other......

"OK, who's driving?"