Joke I found funny...

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

A woman (Orange County Ca. )brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$550.00!" she cried, "$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $550.00"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg… Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that's the truth....
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Trainman wrote: And that's the truth....
No it's not. It fails to mention Unix and Linux...

I suppose you're going to tell me they're the work of the devil :twisted:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

CitroJim wrote:
Trainman wrote: And that's the truth....
No it's not. It fails to mention Unix and Linux...

I suppose you're going to tell me they're the work of the devil :twisted:
The case for the prosecution rest's m'lud


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by ragger »

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Birdforgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Birdwho was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???



OH, come on... take a guess !!!



Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!




Everyone knows. You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Richard Sloane was an engineer on an interstellar scout ship. He had a pet rockette (which was a life form that looked like a large pebble). This rockette (that Sloane had named Teddy) ate powdered sugar, and was believed to be mobile, even though nobody ever saw it move, and nobody admitted to moving it either. Sloane had a colleague (William Simpson) who also had a pet, a helical worm (that looked like a spring) called Dolly. Dolly fed on light, and moved by (in effect) compressing and releasing her spring shape. She didn't move that quickly, but she was seen to move.

One trip Sloane bet that Teddy could beat Dolly in a race. He had built up quite a stake, and everybody took him up on it (I mean, Teddy had never been seen to move). Even the captain got his name down in the book.

On the day of the race, the course was set up, along the lateral corridor. At the finish line was placed a pile of powdered sugar, and a powerful spotlight. Teddy and Dolly were put on the start line, and straight away Dolly slowly set off towards the spotlight (with almost everybody shouting their encouragement). Sloane kept saying "Go on Teddy, sugar" but Teddy just sat on the start line, doing nothing. Finally, when Dolly was over halfway to the finish line, Sloane said "Teddy, if you don't start moving, I am going to get a large hammer and hit you with it so hard you will shatter into little pieces". It was then that two new facts were discovered about rockettes; they are capable of understanding human speech, and that they could teleport, as no sooner than Sloane had said that, Teddy dis-appeared, and re-appeared on the pile of sugar. This meant that (obviously) he won the race, and Sloane won his bet.

While Sloane was counting his winnings, everybody was asking how he knew he would win. They accused him of knowing about Teddys' ability to teleport (he strenuously denied this), but he said that it was obvious he would win. He went on to say that even history said he would win. The captain asked what Sloane meant by this, to which Sloane replied "Isn't it obvious? Sloanes' Teddy wins the race".

Run and hide, James, run and hide!
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A man entered a classic rally with an old Japanese car, a 200Z. This was a very long rally, with a few hundred miles between service stages. During one stage his car loses all forward drive. Upon investigation he found that some sand had got into the gearbox, and this had stripped the gears. While he had some spare parts, there were none of the parts needed to get him mobile again.

As he looked around he saw a church in the distance. He wandered over, went inside, and found that it was a very peaceful place. Feeling that he had nothing to lose, he prayed for divine assistance. He finished his prayers, got up, had a last look around, and went outside. He then stopped in shock at what he saw; it was raining Datsun cogs!
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Post by addo »

Sir! Sir! Ban him!

:mrgreen:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

During the off season Sir Frank Williams announces that the Williams F1 team is to hold a "Pit Crew" competition (open to all non professional teams), with the winners being VIP guests at the British Grand Prix. Several teams apply. They all receive training on pit crew procedures.

On the day of the competition, the Williams pit crew do a "demonstration" run, one at full speed (6.5 seconds) and a second at slowed down speed so the others can see what happens (25 seconds), and then the competitors start their attempts.

The local garage team start by sucking through their teeth. The builders team put the kettle on, while the WRVS team get the biscuits out. The Halfords team wander off midway through, while the boy scouts team take 2 minutes 5 seconds (Frank turns to Mike Coughlan and tells him they are to receive VIP invites irrespective of the final outcome). Now comes the turn of the final team.

Only by running the video footage frame by frame can most of the action be seen (and even then some of it is blurred). The car comes into the pit point, the jacks go into place and lift the car. The wheels are removed, as are all the body panels. The engine/gearbox assembly is taken off and replaced with a different assembly. The driver is hoicked out, his custom seat is removed, a different seat and driver are popped back in. New (re-sprayed) body panels are fitted, wheels fitted, the fuel tank is filled, driver visor is wiped, jacks drop the car down and pulled out of the way, and the car heads out, all in a time of 1.23 seconds.

There is pandemonium in the area. All the Williams pit crew start to update their CVs (and phone around the other F1 teams to see if there are vacancies), the other competitors look stunned, and put their various bits and pieces away, while Frank turns to Mike and asks "Who the h**l were they?" Mike looks down it his paperwork, finds the relevant details, and replies "Brixton Prison car thieves rehabilitation team!".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

:?: How do you keep forum members in suspense? :?:
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Hell Razor5543 wrote::?: How do you keep forum members in suspense? :?:
Pass but I enjoyed your pitcrew yarn above James..
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

One day a businessman is flying to an important meeting. When the aeroplane reaches its' cruising altitude the captain lets the passengers know with the usual announcement over the tannoy, and the businessman gets out his briefcase and starts doing some paperwork. Out of the corner of his eye he notices that the person sitting next to him is doing the same. He glances across, and takes in two facts; the other person is a very attractive lady, and she is reading what appears to be VERY pornographic material. This startles him so much that he jumps. She looks at him, and says "I had better explain myself". He replies that there is no need, to which she responds "If I don't, you are going to leave this aeroplane thinking I am some sort of weird pervert". "OK", he says, "go ahead".

She explains that she is a sexual therapist, and that she is travelling to an important conference. She will be speaking there, and, amongst other things, she will be dispelling some myths.

"Carry on", he says.

"Well, the French think that they are the worlds' greatest lovers, but I have found that the Native Americans are a lot more attentive. The men from the West Indies believe that they are the best endowed, but they don't measure up to the Greeks. I have also discovered that the men from Ireland average out best in both fields". She then stops, blushes, and says "I am telling you all this, but I don't even know your name".

"Tonto", he grins, "Tonto Papadopolous. But my friends all call me Paddy!".