Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

--------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

One hopes that stude3nt goes on to greatness... We need more with this attitude...
lexi
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

Guy wife and kids in car driving along. In front of them is a refuse truck.
Suddenly , out of the back of it comes a Dildo that hits their windscreen.
The Dad looks at wife rather embarassed, knowing the kids had seen it.

" Nothing to worry about children, it was just a flying insect" he assures them.
The little boy in back shouts "Cor Blimey Dad! It must be some flyer to get off the ground with a Dick that size" :shock: :shock:
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fatherjack2002
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by fatherjack2002 »

this isn't PC, but here goes !!
My new girl friend asked me to get her Ginger kid ready for his first day at school.
So i punched him in the face and took his dinner money !!!
lexi
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

Not bad Jack :)
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

lexi wrote:Not bad Jack :)
Not bad? It was good. Made me laugh out loud so on that basis...
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

fatherjack2002 wrote:this isn't PC, but here goes !!
My new girl friend asked me to get her Ginger kid ready for his first day at school.
So i punched him in the face and took his dinner money !!!
thats whats wrong with society these days, lack of proper parenting :twisted: :shock: :-D :wink:
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Post by addo »

In a street in a new suburb, there lived a little girl. As school holidays had just fallen, she was at home with her mother for a couple of weeks.

By coincidence, right across the road, workmen were building a new house from the ground up. Curiosity proved too much, and one morning the little girl wandered over to see what they were doing. Being good natured blokes, they explained a little of their trade, and asked if she'd like to help. Mother's permission was sought; she didn't mind as the little girl was in plain view across the road - cheap childcare, she thought.

At the end of the week, the head contractor handed out the pay. For her efforts in holding the stringline, fetching nails and picking up dropped tools, the little girl received an envelope with £5 in it. Mother was impressed "Your first wages. We'll to take them to the bank this afternoon for you".

When they reached the counter, Mother and daughter explained what she'd been doing; how she'd earned this money working hard on a building site. The teller smiled nicely and asked "Will you be working for the men again next week?"...

Well, the girl began. It really depends if those ****ing lazy ***** ***** at the building supplies bring our ****ing plasterboard or not, 'cause if they don;t we've got ****-all left to go on with.
lexi
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

Titter :-D
lexi
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

Not bad? It was good. Made me laugh out loud so on that basis...
Up here "not bad" is a way of congratulating someone on something good :lol:
addo
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Post by addo »

Customer in Glasgow cake shop: "Is that a custard pie, or a meringue?"
Staffer: You're nae wrang.
lexi
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

'Tis an old one Addo :-D

Top tip: In Glesga They would say" Yur no rang" never "You're nae wrang". Only Teuchtars, ie.( to a Glaswegian,anyone outside of the City, with twangs, but generally highlanders) would make that reply punchline that you mention.

The Glaswegian will end or start sentences with a "nae". Like " what is the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Dis"nae" (doesn't)

In starting with the nae? "nae bother" "nae wurries" "nae danger" They also never use that other word so favoured in all the towns and cities around it............Dinnae .(don't) In Glasgow it is ""Don't talk pish!" , never dinnae. They would say " Ah didnae say that Cits wur pish?"

The other common misnomer is Glaswegians saying the word ken. " ah dinnae ken" ( I don't know) ....WTF?.....Never!! Here,it is always; Ah don't know.

You must come and sample the delights some time Adam :lol:
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daviemck2006
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh1t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
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daviemck2006
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by daviemck2006 »

100 Reasons It's Great to be a Guy!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuc& it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. p**n movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere
lexi
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

:-D :-D
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fatherjack2002
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by fatherjack2002 »

Last week in my job as a courier , i had to deliver some rolls of bubble wrap
"Where do you want these puttting?" i asked , "Just pop them in that corner" was the reply.
I was there for bloody hours !!!!!!!!!!!