Joke I found funny...

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Bannedbiker
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Joined: 15 Apr 2012, 18:52

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all.

I must get that broken stairlift mended!! :-D
Bannedbiker
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

For want of conversation at the Christmas dinner table I said,

"I hear the water levels in Devon have been pretty substantial"

"Parsnips" my mum interjected.

"Well I don't know if it's gone chest high mother but it's pretty deep".
Bannedbiker
Posts: 92
Joined: 15 Apr 2012, 18:52

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

My girlfriend being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
If you are sleeping ......send me your dreams
If you are laughing .....send me your smile
If you are eating ..........send me a bite
If you are drinking ......send me a sip
If you are crying ...........send me your tears
I love you x












I replied........I'm on the loo. What should I do?
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Xaccers
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Ten commandments for bureaucrat bashing from the pen of the late Patrick Moore

1. Never say anything clearly. When writing to jobsworths and timeservers, word your letter so that it could mean almost anything…or nothing.

2. Don’t be legible. Always write letters by hand, and make your verbose scrawl as impenetrable as possible.

3. Garble your opponent’s name. Misread the signature. If the correspondence is signed ‘M. Harris’, address your reply to ‘N. Hayes’ or ‘W. Hardy’. Don’t get too flippant though — the penpushers might lack a sense of humour, but if you write to ‘M. Hedgehog’, they will sense a legpull.

4. Give fake references. If you have a letter from the tax office, ref: EH/4/PNG/H8, mark your reply with some other code in the same format, such as DC/5/IMH/R9. This should ensure that the taxman wastes minutes, or hopefully hours, rooting for a file that doesn’t exist.

5. The same goes for dates. Get them slightly wrong, every time.
Stamp away: And make sure it's in the wrong place

Stamp away: And make sure it's in the wrong place

6. Follow up your fakes. Write to request a reply to letters that you haven’t sent, and include bogus reference numbers. This is a surefire timewaster and might even, if your Twitmarsh is of a sensitive disposition, reduce him to tears.

7. Never pay the right amount. Include a discrepancy in every envelope — never too much, but always more than a few pence. A sum between £1.20 and £2.80 is recommended. Then you can start an interminable correspondence to reclaim the overpayment (or dispute the underpayment).

8. When enclosing a cheque, staple it to the letter. With two staples. Or three. Right in the middle of the cheque. At the least, you’ll waste someone’s time — at best, you might wreck their computer.

9. As a point of honour, never give up on a correspondence before at least six pointless letters have been exchanged. Think big and aim for double figures.

10. If a postage-paid envelope is not supplied by your Twitmarsh, send off your reply without a stamp. The bureaucrats will have to pay much more at the other end.
Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

I've come to one of those Swiss Suicide clincs. do you know what they gave me for breakfast?


CHEERIO'S
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Trainman wrote:I've come to one of those Swiss Suicide clincs. do you know what they gave me for breakfast?


CHEERIO'S
:lol: :lol: That's priceless steve :)
Bannedbiker
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Joined: 15 Apr 2012, 18:52

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

I came to this country with only a pound in my pocket and I'm now the proud owner of a shopping trolley. :)
Bannedbiker
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Joined: 15 Apr 2012, 18:52

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

A little boy comes home from school and says

"Dad, Dad, I've got a part in the school play. It’s as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Bannedbiker
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

In Northern Minnesota there is a factory which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.


Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles'.
scratcher
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Joined: 12 Apr 2009, 11:23

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by scratcher »

I like it.
Bannedbiker
Posts: 92
Joined: 15 Apr 2012, 18:52

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks:

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "SH*T."
Bannedbiker
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Joined: 15 Apr 2012, 18:52

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

The primary school teacher gave her class an assignment "get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it"
The next day the kids came back and one by one they each told their stories,
Kathy said "my Father is a Farmer and he has a lot of egg-laying hens, one time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of our pick up when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying,....And what's the moral of the story? "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"
"Very good" said the teacher,... "Now Lucy?"....."our family are Farmer's too, but we raise chickens, we had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,...and the moral here is don't count your chickens before they hatch"
That's a fine story Lucy,....Johnny do you have a story to share?
"yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Karen,...Aunt Karen was a Flight Engineer in Desert storm; and her plane got hit and she had to bail out over enemy territory,and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a Machine gun and a Machete, anyway she drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,..then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops,.... she killed seventy with the machine gun until the bullets ran out,....then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke,...then she killed the last ten with her bare hands, "Good heavens" said the horrified Teacher, what moral did you gain from that story,
"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking"
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

During one of the Gulf wars, an Iraqi army was out on manoeuvres when they saw a man standing on a dune in the distance. When he saw that he had got their attention, he shouted "One of our SAS is worth 10 of you!". The General in command ordered a squad be sent out to capture him. When the man saw them coming, he ducked behind the dune.

After the brief sounds of a scrap, he re-appeared and shouted "My mistake! One of us is worth 30 of you!". The General orders a platoon be sent out. Again, the man ducks behind the dune, again there is the sound of a scrap, and again the man re-appears. "You lot are worse than I thought! Make that a hundred!".

The General is incensed, and demands a full regiment be sent to capture this insolent soldier. On seeing the size of the force, the man ducks down behind the dune, and there is then the sound of an gigantic battle. As it dies down, a soldier is seen crawling towards the army. As he gets to the General, he says (with his dying breathe) "Sir, sir, it is a trap. There are two of them!"
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A man goes to his local Poxawful dealership, and asks to speak to the mechanic. When the mechanic asks what the problem is, the man says that his Corset VXR has a serious problem. The mechanic asks what the problem is, and the man replies that "There is a problem with the transvestite gearbox". The mechanic responds "you mean transverse gearbox, don't you". The man answers "No, transvestite gearbox. It keeps slipping into the wrong gear!".

I know, I know, you've heard it before!
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!


WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:

Of course I do.


WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:

Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


WIFE:
- silence - -


HUSBAND:
F **k....