Joke I found funny...

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addo
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Post by addo »

Boisterous conviviality. Try getting a word in edgeways! :lol:
vince
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Post by vince »

Trainman wrote:THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the
nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he
listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible !

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. . . . . .






"You just happened to catch my eye."


(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
:lol: Cracker.....
vince
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Post by vince »

MikeT wrote:A newlywed couple were honeymooning in the African Bush - accompanied by the bride's mother who had inconsiderately invited herself!

During one particularly beautiful sunset, the three were strolling along a bush path when, as they turned a bend, froze with horror as they saw a large male lion who was out scouting for his evening meal.... and he'd spotted them!

"Run", yelled the new husband, "Run for your life!" as he grabbed his bride, turning on his heel to run back the way they had came.

"But we can't outrun a lion" replied his wife, half stumbling and half being dragged by her husband, fearing their lives we about to be cut short.

"We don't have to outrun the lion" the husband assured her, "We just need to outrun your mother"
:lol: :lol:
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks a member of bar staff how much the cocktails are.

She said" £4 a glass and £10 for a pitcher"




Paddy said "Why would I want my photo taken with a drink?"
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

The Beer Scooter.

This story explains a few things:

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'

As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these mythical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkeness and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The Scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimentional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large part of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This is the answer to the second question after a night out of 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of the time segments during the trip. The nature of the Trans-Dimentional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers the third question after a night out 'What the hell happened'.

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often-lost time is regained in disscussions over a period of time.

Independant studies have shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending it to the wrong bedroom, often with quite horrific consequences. With recent models including GPS, Bacchus has made an investment into the scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half-eaten Kebab's and Pizza crust's. Another question answered.

For the family man, the Beer Scooter comes equipped with Flower's picked from other peoples garden's and Thump-a-lot Boots (patent pending). these boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up the other-half.

Special anti-gravity spring's ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for the scooters is the TAS (Tabbacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro lights in a single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a T-Shirt.
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, Her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

“Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"







He responded,"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
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quintet
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Post by quintet »

The grass is always greener on the other side because its fertilized with bullshit
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Xaccers
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Post by Xaccers »

Two parrots sitting on a perch, one said to the other "Can you smell fish?"
pug_owner2002
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Post by pug_owner2002 »

The train was packed, and many people were forced to stand. 1 particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some ...job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
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Post by pug_owner2002 »

John found out he was to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. 1 evening he went to a singles bar, n spotted a beautiful woman. "I may look like an ordinary man, but in a week or 2 my father will die, and I'll inherit £20 million" Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening, 3 days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men.
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MikeT
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Post by MikeT »

Not a joke exactly but still funny - in the kindest sense (and clever too, IMO).

http://s32.photobucket.com/albums/d1/pi ... nt=2cv.flv
Toby_HDi
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Post by Toby_HDi »

MikeT wrote:Not a joke exactly but still funny - in the kindest sense (and clever too, IMO).

http://s32.photobucket.com/albums/d1/pi ... nt=2cv.flv
Excellent! :lol: Burst out laughing at that.
pug_owner2002
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Post by pug_owner2002 »

I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What bloody good advice
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myglaren
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Post by myglaren »

http://www.chelfing.com/userimages/recall.jpg

:wink:
Another Industry first ! Not only were Chelfing the first company to give you 9 cupholders and koalaskin seats, we now offer integrated George Foreman Grill in the glovebox*. Enjoy a hot, freshly prepared snack from the convenience of your drivers seat, no need to stop at services to get your hotdog ! Grill only available on GGLS model, and replaces woman's side airbag. Contact your local Chelfing dealer for more information, or email Chelfing HQ direct.

*WARNING : Driving SUV while using cellphone and operating grill may cause unwanted electrical surge and/or burn your sausage.