Joke I found funny...

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

WarrenTClaim wrote

If you look on Amazon for an XM workshop manual at the bottom of the page you'll see that other people who bought this item also purchased a rope and a stool.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

:lol: :lol: :lol: Oh that is good!

The XM BoL is rubbish so it's little wonder...
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Post by addo »

It's been revised and reissued. Now in softer two-ply with greater perforations, for improved wiping and less finger breakthrough.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

It's about all it's good for Adam :twisted: :lol:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

As it's nearly Christmas...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

Well done Jim, very funny!! :lol: :lol: =D>

Martin.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

I did manage to make up a few jokes (no, really!). However, I will need to set the scene (genuinely).

I have, for the last 6 years, looked after the tills at Royal Ascot for a client (Top Hat, Tails, etc!; ooh, get him looking all posh! (I have photos, but still nobody believes me!)). A couple of years ago one of the major food outlets decided to advertise, with three people in weird get-ups (a couple in white evening wear, and a young lady as a lobster (no, it's TRUE, even I couldn't make it up). They were all on stilts!). I made the comment that they must have heard all the jokes, and their reply was that; "Yes, they had", and they wished somebody would come up with new ones. I decided to give it a try, one per day (well, it isn't easy to make them up). I can still remember three;

"NASA is getting fed up with having to re-route their satallites to avoid bumping into people around Ascot."

"The giraffes at the nearby zoo are getting envious of the view those tall humans must have."

"It must be terrible to be so allergic to the ground that you have to be 3 feet above it at all times."

I admitted that the jokes were terrible, and they did agree, but they also said that they were all new, and that they had been wondering each day what the next one would be.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

I did manage to make up a different joke a couple of years ago, but for reasons that will become obvious, it no longer is current.

Early in 2011, Steve Jobs (from Apple Computers) announced he was taking time out due to ill health. He did it in typical Apple fashion. All the IT press were informed there was to be a press conference. When they arrived, the buzz going around was that there must be a new product, but nobody knew what it was, not even a whisper. Steve Jobs then strode out onto the stage, and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for attending this conference. I will make it brief. The news is, iSick".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by JohnD »

Just read this warning on another forum. It's worth taking note of.

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Then again on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

John, that's brilliant :-D
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

The Christmas Party!!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a free bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Pat

Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pat

Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees

DATE: December 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. ********* do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Pat

Company Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2012
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian p****s!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f***ing weirdos can kiss my a**. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The *** from Hell!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Sam Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 6, 2012
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Sam


Merry Christmas one and all!!!
Martin.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones


* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* *


Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones


* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my lawyer's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus


* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone


* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mum's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy


* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy


* *

Timmy,
That's what I thought you little *******.
Santa
Bannedbiker
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

I've just bought the wife a fridge for Christmas...
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.
.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it!
Bannedbiker
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Bannedbiker »

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their string with tinsel.
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this will be for the christmas period only.


That's it folks, I've run out of Christmas themed jokes (you'll be pleased to hear!!!)
Have a great one you mad lot!!!!

Martin
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Post by addo »

That last one is a pearler.

It reminded me of a discussion with a sparkie mate; we were talking about pulling cables through conduit and tying the far end to a couple of party poppers for a prank.