Joke I found funny...

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citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you ... While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ............ you should see the back of mine!!!'
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

This is absolutely true...

An exchange between a Driving Examiner and a Test Candidate:

After completing the preliminaries...

Driving Examiner: Now please show me to your car.

Candidate: What car?

Driving Examiner: The car you will take the test in.

Candidate: I thought you supplied the car...

Fail!
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

CitroJim wrote:This is absolutely true...

An exchange between a Driving Examiner and a Test Candidate:

After completing the preliminaries...

Driving Examiner: Now please show me to your car.

Candidate: What car?

Driving Examiner: The car you will take the test in.

Candidate: I thought you supplied the car...

Fail!
so they had to use public transport :roll: :shock: :lol: :wink:
addo
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Post by addo »

Some party tricks aren't all they're cracked up to be.

More Australian larrikinism.
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Xaccers
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Re:

Post by Xaccers »

addo wrote:Some party tricks aren't all they're cracked up to be.

More Australian larrikinism.
Did he get a Darwin award? :D
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CitroJim
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Re: Re:

Post by CitroJim »

Xac wrote:
addo wrote:Some party tricks aren't all they're cracked up to be.

More Australian larrikinism.
Did he get a Darwin award? :D
No, because for that you have to remove yourself from the gene pool completely. Although perhaps technically he has...

What an (in)complete arse...

It doesn't surprise me it happened in Rapid Creek. It's that sort of place...
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Xaccers
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Re: Re:

Post by Xaccers »

CitroJim wrote:
Xac wrote:
addo wrote:Some party tricks aren't all they're cracked up to be.

More Australian larrikinism.
Did he get a Darwin award? :D
No, because for that you have to remove yourself from the gene pool completely. Although perhaps technically he has...

What an (in)complete arse...

It doesn't surprise me it happened in Rapid Creek. It's that sort of place...
Did you notice where he was from?
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CitroJim
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Re: Re:

Post by CitroJim »

Xac wrote: Did you notice where he was from?
Yes, Darwin. Of which Rapid Creek is a suburb...
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

Walking Eagle



On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK ,
addressed a major gathering of Native Americans.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for the UK and Europe

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque
inscribed with his new Native American name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Native Americans how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s*h*i*t that it can no longer fly.
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Xaccers
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Tony Bliar was trying to improve his image as being "down with the people" so was talking to players at a council golf course and began chatting with one of the regulars.
Player: I bet this course is a bit basic for you
TB: Well I am used to a private club, I'm a country member
player: Oh, I think we all remember
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Gregg1100
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gregg1100 »

Three dead bodies turned up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces.

The coroner called the police inspector to tell them what had happened
and said, "The first body, Pierre Dubois, a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure

while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile," said the
coroner.

"The second body, Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, had won £50,000 on
the lottery, bought 6 bottles of whisky to celebrate and died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the big smile."

The police inspector asked, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," said the coroner, "This is the most unusual one, Paddy
Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquired the inspector.

The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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Gregg1100
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gregg1100 »

Image
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Gregg1100
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gregg1100 »

Image
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Xaccers
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

News: Michelin to patent round tires
businesswire 07:00 EDT
Following the success of the Apple (AAPL) litigation over Samsung, Michelin announced today the filing of a patent for "a mostly round, mostly rubber(ish), mostly inflated mostly tubular device for connection a vehicle (or similar) to a road or other terrain of mostly terran origin"

When asked for comment, the Executive VP of product development U. R. Knutz stated, that Michelin was inspired by patents on the blindingly obvious and so was foregoing product manufacturing to focus on creating key patents in obvious intellectual property.. when pressed he continued that his department was looking very strongly at sinusoidal electric current, light emitting suns, and nitrous oxygenated gases for breathing..
Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

So you think you're a pilot?

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and
ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee , a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans...
flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than
260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV,
I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'