Joke I found funny...

[Rhothgar]

What's wrong with that?

[Xaccers]

Got a text from the missus this morning -
"Windows frozen - what should I do?"
So I texted back -
"Just pour some luke warm water over it - that will clear it."

After half an hour she texted again -
"Computer seems totally dead now !"

[citronut]

hope you didn't forget your marital vows Xac

regards malcolm

[CitroJim]

Nicked from FB.... Activa_Mike will have seen this already...

I'm thinking of buying a can of white paint and a can of black paint.

I then plan to mix them together and paint the road outside my house to hide the oil stains...

I'm worried about the legality of doing so though...

It seems a bit of a grey area...

[Dippy]

Lidl interview.

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she
found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the
four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which
of them would get the job.*

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found
her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN
ON THE LIGHT, I had already s*** myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

[Xaccers]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

[CitroJim]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

That is really good....

[Gregg1100]

Mick and Paddy were on a building site. A slate hurtles down and slices off one of Paddy's ears. Mick looks around and sees it on the floor.
"Is this your ear Paddy" Mick says. " No" said Paddy, " Mine had a pencil behind it"

[Napoleon]

[Napoleon]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

That is really good....

[Gregg1100]

Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl. "Licence please," he said, Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into Looney Leon. "Insurance please," said Leon. Mary zoomed off until she was
stopped by Donkey Dave who was standing there naked with a 9 inch hard on. "Oh no,"cried Mary, "Not the breathalyser again!"

[Napoleon]

May the 4th be with you.

[DickieG]

The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

[DickieG]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[Xaccers]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having (-censored-) would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we worked out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."