Joke I found funny...

[Stickyfinger]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?




Because if it had four doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.

[Karata]

What did an out of money hooker ask her friend?
"Can you lend me $20 until I'm on my back again?"

[Hell Razor5543]

I have just found out that the first computer dated back to Adam and Eve. It was an early Apple with very limited memory; just one byte and then everything crashed.

[myglaren]

[Rp0thejester]

[Stickyfinger]

Three servicemen sadly lost their lives on Christmas Eve, and arrive at the pearly gates to heaven.

St.Peter meets them and says to them “You must have something on you that represents Christmas to get past the gates”.

The solder flicked his Zippo lighter and says “It’s a candle”, St.Peter let him in.

The airman jingled his keys and said “They’re sleigh bells”, St Peter let him in as well.

Then a drunken sailor sauntered up to St.Peter and pulls out a G string and bra.

St.Peter looks down at him confused and says “How do they represent Christmas?”

The sailor said “They’re Carols”

[myglaren]

Not actually a joke, nevertheless:-

"At my secondary school in year 2 (13 years old) we had a pupil from the USA, his father was on a short term posting to the UK.

He struggled with the accent, and also many of the mathematics text books were still in the old imperial units even though officially the year before the country had changed over to metric units.

Now the problem was that we still used a lot of rather obscure units of measure and volume and one of these was the ‘firkin’.

Now we had a very short little maths teacher and he was sadistic s**t who would pick on anyone taller than himself, so being 6′4″ in height even at age 13 I was usually the butt of his sarcastic humour.

However the American guy (Haynes) drew his attention for a short while.

Teacher: Haynes sit down boy

Haynes: Sir I am sat down

This was always his opening joke as most of the pupils were taller than this little runty man even when seated.

Teacher: As you come from the colonies I expect you are ignorant of our traditional units of weights and measures ?

Haynes: No Sir, I am familiar with them.

Teacher: Well in that case perhaps you could explain to the class the relationship between the USA gallon and the vastly superior IMPERIAL gallon which we use here in Great Britain.

Haynes: Well sir the Imperial gallon is bigger than the US gallon.

You could see this was working up to a massive put down by the teacher as the spittle was starting to fly and he had a triumphant gleam.

Teacher: Yes and by how much?

Haynes: There are 9 Imperial gallons in a firkin and 10.8 US gallons in a firkin therefore the US gallon is smaller Sir.

Teacher: Yes, yes and why was this, was it some aberration and lack of intelligence by the colonists?

Haynes: No Sir they had worked out that the Imperial gallon was too FIRKIN (F******) big and needed to be smaller.

Well needless to say we all fell about laughing and sadly I had to endure another 7 months of abuse as Haynes had managed to deflect any further sarcasm aimed in his direction.

So there you have it the US and Imperial gallon are derived from the Firkin and things can be too Firkin big or too Firkin small, be careful".

[myglaren]

At about the time that hot air blowers were appearing in toilets, I lived in Germany, and worked with a guy called Hans Dreyer. I wasn't the only English speaker in the firm, and of course we chuckled about it.

Hans got wind that we were laughing about his name, but didn't know why, but he thought his dignity would be restored if a more formal tone was established.

“From now on you are not to call me by my first name” he said. “ I wish to be known as Herr. Herr Dreyer”.

[Stickyfinger]

[Stickyfinger]

[Rp0thejester]

[myglaren]

As often before, not a joke but amusing nevertheless.

There's an old story about the two famous mathematicians and collaborators G.H. Hardy and Ramanujan.

Ramanujan was in hospital where he lay dying.

Hardy came to visit him, and when the conversation flagged, said

“The taxi number I came in today was 1729. Not a very interesting number.”

According to the story, Ramanujan managed to raise his head to say

Don't say that. It's 19 × 91, which is a palindrome.

And it's the difference between the squares of two triangular numbers
55²−36²


COMMENT: Triangular numbers are numbers like 1+2+3..+n. In this case 55 is the sum 1+2+…+10 and 36 is 1+2+…+8.

Ramanujan continued

It's also the sum of two cubes
1³+12³ and it's 9³+10³.

And it's the smallest number that can be expressed as the sum of two cubes in two different ways.

My conclusion? To a mathematician, especially a number theorist as brilliant as Ramanujan, all numbers are fascinating.

[Rp0thejester]

Well your all fcking wrong

[Stickyfinger]

A Geordie girl goes into a hairdressers
Stylist ~~ "Why aye lass, what do yee want?"

Girl ~~ "Can I have a perm please?" says the customer. The stylist responds:



”Ah wandered lernley as a cloud that flerts on high oer vales an' hills...”

[Hell Razor5543]

I had to stop taking my dog to the park, as the ducks kept pecking him. He was a pure bread.
My wife phone me at the pub and said "If you are not home in 10 minutes I am giving your dinner to the dog". I was home in 5 minutes; I didn't want anything happening to the dog.
When I was a child we bought a puppy from a blacksmith. When we go home he made a bolt for the door.
I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but the dog swallowed the ring. Now it is a diamond in the ruff.
What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.