Joke I found funny...

[Vic Evans]

Did you know a candle flame smells exactly like burned nasal hair.

[myglaren]

When wooden ships were replaced by steel ones with steam engines there was initially a shortage of coal for fuel due to the high demand. As a stopgap the old wooden ships were burned instead. I believe the used to get around 40 miles a galleon.

[Paul-R]

I do like a good pun!

[Hell Razor5543]

I took a shortcut across a cemetery one evening, when I heard a weird, ethereal tapping. It didn't sound threatening, so I decided to investigate. I followed the tapping to find an old guy using a hammer and chisel on a gravestone. "Phew", I said, "I thought it might have been a ghost. If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing?". "Well", he said, "this has been bugging me for years, and today I got a bit of luck. Somebody left this hammer and chisel nearby, and I can finally correct the spelling on my gravestone".

[Steve Walsh]

A woman approaches a man and says :
"Excuse me Sir I’m doing a little survey, can I ask you questions?"
The man says :
"Yes of course"
Woman: "If you’re travelling in a bus and a female gets on the bus and she’s got no available seat, would you give up your seat for her?"
Man - "No."
Woman: "What if the lady that got on the bus was pregnant would you give up your seat then?
Man: "No."
Woman: "What if the lady got on the bus was a senior lady would you give your seat then?"
Man: "No."
Woman: "You are one selfish man, you have no manners. Who do you think you are?

Spoiler: show

Man:
*I am the Bus Driver"*_

[Stickyfinger]

[HansH]

A kid ask's his uncle to teach him the coin disappearing trick:

Kid: how do I make a coin disappear uncle?

Uncle: well, I will show you later mate but for now, take the coin in your left hand and hover the right hand over it...

Kid: no, no! How do I really make it disappear ?!

Uncle: ..thinks for a second and then replies: Well get married son!

[Steve Walsh]

A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off. ”The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Spoiler: show

Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

[myglaren]

[Stickyfinger]

When we were part of the Roman Empire we had an Emperor in charge.

Then when had a kingdom and the King was in charge.

Now we have a country.

[myglaren]

But..but..but..
We still have a King in charge.
And Sir Steer Calmer is a Knight, nor a Count

Otherwise

[Stickyfinger]

Steer Calmer....LOL ...now that is funny......considering it is normally : Starmer the Granny Harmer/Sit Kneel a Lot/Sir Free Stuff....etc etc etc alongside his cohorts, The Tottenham Turnip, Thieves, Crayons and Special Ed

[Jay-Bruce]

When we were part of the Roman Empire we had an Emperor in charge.

Then when had a kingdom and the King was in charge.

Now we have a country.

I guess that would have made us a fiefdom when Gordon Brown was in charge...?

[myglaren]

Olive oil has a load of useful applications, add a teaspoon to a pan of kale just before it starts to boil, it makes it much easier to scrape off your plate into the bin after you've finished eating the rest of your dinner

[Stickyfinger]