Joke I found funny...

[Sloppysod]

Man needed a present for his daughter and goes to toy shop and asks assistant if she has any Barbie dolls.
Assistant: "Yes, which one do you want?"
Man: "Why, how many different types are there?"
Assistant:" We have Five..... There's a Barbie goes to the beach @ £19.99, Barbie goes to the ball @ £19.99, Barbie goes to the gym @ £19.99, Barbie goes night clubbing @ £19.99, and........... divorced Barbie @ £199.99"
Man; "Why is divorced Barbie so much dearer than the others?"

Spoiler: show

Assistant: Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, boat and house

[bobins]

A joke I saw written on a chalkboard outside a pub earlier today:

"They said write something pithy.
I've never written with a lisp before"



Another one from a different pub:

"I lost my job on the dodgems today.
I'm going to sue them for funfair dismissal"

[CitroJim]

A joke I saw written on a chalkboard outside a pub earlier today:

"They said write something pithy.
I've never written with a lisp before"



Another one from a different pub:

"I lost my job on the dodgems today.
I'm going to sue them for funfair dismissal"

I giggled

[Steve Walsh]

You meet the strangest people in motorway services.

One day, many years ago, whilst driving back down from Ravenscraig with two slabs for delivery to Llanwern, I was sat in Tebay Truck services, enjoying a cup of coffee while I had my 45-min break.
As I sat sipping my coffee, a young, very attractive, blond woman sat down next to me.
After a little while, she turned to me, looked me straight in the eyes, smiled, and asked, ‘Are you a real lorry driver?’
I replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole working life driving lorries, or trucks as they are sometimes known as nowadays.’
‘I’ve driven a ‘68 Atkinson Borderer, Leyland Mandators, Volvo’s, Scania’s, all sorts.
When I was in my twenties, I delivered toilet pans to Teheran, oil pipes to Qatar, generators to Jeddah, and loaded melons straight from the field in Patras.
But now, I spend my days driving between Cardiff and Scotland delivering steel coils.’
‘That’s my truck there,’ I said pointing proudly to my gleaming MAN F90 16.332 sat waiting for me just outside the Tebay Services window.
‘So yes, I guess I am a lorry driver – what about you?’ I asked.
She said, well I’m not a trucker, … I’m a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
‘Are you thinking of naked women right now?’ I asked. Well, ‘yes, she said, as a matter of fact I am’
That took me a bit by surprise, and we just sat finishing our coffees in silence, before she got up and said goodbye.
A little while later, a young lad, sat down on the other side of me and asked, ‘Are you a real truck driver?’

Spoiler: show

I replied, ‘Well, I always thought I was until a few minutes ago, … but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

[Hell Razor5543]

Do you know how much a chimney pot costs?

Spoiler: show

Nothing; they are on the house!

[GiveMeABreak]

Would be funny if it wasn't so sad...

[mickthemaverick]

My grandad was exceptionally thrifty, he always insisted on turning all the lights off and unplugging all the appliances before leaving a room. That's why:

Spoiler: show

he got sacked from air traffic control!

[Hell Razor5543]

My grandad was exceptionally thrifty, he always insisted on turning all the lights off and unplugging all the appliances before leaving a room. That's why:

Spoiler: show

he got sacked from air traffic control!

Another reason he got sacked was when an aeroplane crashed into the offices he had visited.

Spoiler: show

He had left the landing light on!

[Hell Razor5543]

During a shortage of eligible men, a bear, a pig and a rabbit are called up for national service. While waiting for the medical examinations, they all admit they’re terrified of being killed. ‘I’m ungainly and pink,’ says the pig, truthfully. 'The enemy will see me a mile off – so I decided to chop my tail off.' The rabbit nods sagely – and the bear realizes the bunny’s ears have been removed. ‘I just hope it works,’ says the rabbit. Mystified, the bear watches as both animals enter the examination room – then return, smiling.

‘We’re free to go,’ says the rabbit. ‘They said a rabbit without ears is not a proper rabbit, and a pig without a curly tail is not a proper pig!’ He’s about to leave with the pig when the bear pipes up. ‘Hang on a minute!’ he cries. ‘I’m massive and slow – I’d not last a day.’ The other two look at the bear. ‘Well,’ says the rabbit, ‘Your sharp teeth could be useful in combat. You might want them removed …’ Nodding miserably, the bear lies down – and the other animals start kicking his fangs out. Eventually, the dazed bear, blood pouring from his mouth, stumbles through the door.

A moment later he returns. ‘Did you get let off?’ says the pig. ‘Yesh,’ splutters the bear.

Spoiler: show

‘Apparently, I’m too fat.’

[Stickyfinger]

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

A young man phones his Grandfather to let him know that his wife is pregnant, and that he (the Grandfather) is going to be a Great Grandfather. His Grandfather responds "I've always been a great Grandfather!".

[Steve Walsh]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it:
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the f*ck is this?" she asks her husband.

Spoiler: show

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your frickin’ lottery ticket wet, do we??"

[Gibbo2286]

Doctor gave me some pills, told me to stick them in my back passage, they've been out there on the shelf for weeks, for all the good they've done I might as well have shoved them up my ass.

[myglaren]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo moon landings of the late 60s and early 70s, they did some astronaut training along a Navajo Indian reservation in the SW. One day, a Navajo elder and his grandson were herding animals and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the grandson translated: "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon."

Then, recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, added, "We will be leaving behind a special record with greetings in many languages and such. Would the old man be interested in giving us a greeting to include?"

Upon translation, the old man got really excited and was thrilled at the idea of sending a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA folks produced a tape recorder and the old man recorded his message at which the grandson fought back the urge to laugh... but he refused to translate.

After Apollo 11 had successfully landed on the moon and brought its astronauts homes, a new group were training in the desert when one of the NASA officials recognized the Navajo elder and his grandson and went to tell them that the old man's message was indeed on the moon which was met with laughter.

Finally, the NASA rep caught on that not everything was as simple as he had originally thought and asked for a translation. With a chuckle the youngster replied: "Beware of white man; they come to steal your land!".