Joke I found funny...

[Vic Evans]

My 'phone rang the other night and a man's voice said "I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!"

I tried to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.

If you're too young to get it, ask your Mum

[Stickyfinger]

Define "Banged up in Prison"

Spoiler: show

https://news.sky.com/story/amp/woman-ar ... o-13160827

Real life can be a funny thing

[Rp0thejester]

[Vic Evans]

FOR SALE

Muhammad Ali DVD set and George Foreman Grill.

Both boxed.

[momag46]

Thanks grandad.

[myglaren]

Nicked from elsewhere

When I was a teenager, my dad decided to change careers and became an 18-wheel truck driver. He would often tell us about his adventures when he came home on the weekends, and one weekend he related the following tale.

“A bunch of us drivers were in a truck stop, eating dinner and telling jokes. I told a Polish joke, then got up to use the bathroom. A man followed me into the men's room, and he was furious.

He said, “I'm Polish, and I don't appreciate you telling Polish jokes! I'm going to teach you a lesson!” And he pulled out a razor, waving it in my face.

The only thing that saved me was, he couldn't find a place to plug it in.”

Dad told us this with an absolutely straight face, and as he often told Polish jokes, we were on the edge of our seats until the end!

Miss you, dad.

[mickthemaverick]

I can claim authorship of this so can only apologise!!

Spoiler: show

I parked outside the butchers the other day, he came out and told me to move the car a bit so he could park his van behind. I was reluctant to give him an inch in case he took a foot!!

[Hell Razor5543]

I have worked out the undeniable proof that the Earth is NOT flat. If it were flat everything would have pushed off the edge by the cats!

[Stickyfinger]

I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.

The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize".

"That's fantastic!" I called out in delight.

"You sound very confident?" The presenter said, "It's a Geography question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A-level students for the last 20 years. When I am not working, I travel with my wife around the world, I have visited over 160 countries and visited every major city in Europe over the last 15 years"

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Manchester United game at Old Trafford and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?"

My answer ------------------------------------------

"Bradford"

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

A man is staggering through a desert, desperately thirsty. As he climbs over a dune he sees a table and chair, with a man sitting on the chair. He manages to get to the man, and asks for a drink of water. The man says "I don't have any water, but I can sell you a tie". "Why would I want a tie?", asks the thirsty man, "I am very thirsty". "Well, the tie would go well with your shirt", relies the sitting man". "But that would do nothing for my thirst", replies the thirsty man. "Well, if you were to head north for a few miles you will meet my brother. He has a lovely restaurant. You will be able to get all the water you desire there". "Thank you" says the thirst man, and heads off.

Eight hours later the thirsty man returns to the sitting man, who says "I told you, the restaurant is a few miles to the north". "I know", says the thirsty man, "I found it, but..."

Spoiler: show

"They would not let me in without a tie".

[myglaren]

A vicar is walking around his parish, and spots a man busily working in his front garden. The garden is a riot of colour, and looks immaculate. The vicar doesn’t recognise the man from his congregation, so he goes over to strike up a conversation.

“Good morning. I was just admiring your garden. Isn’t it wonderful what you can achieve when God and man work together”

The man looks up and says:

“That’s as may be, Vicar. But you should have seen the mess God made of it when He had it on His own”.

[myglaren]

Unashamedly purloined:-

My favorite joke was told to me by a Geordie co-worker easily 30 years ago. And I loved it so much, I made him write it down for me so I would never forget. He recently passed away and, at the funeral, I shared this joke with his now grown sons, who said they had never heard it.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Well, most of the time, you get an onion with long, floppy ears. But, every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

I still remember it, John, and it still makes me laugh, my friend.

[Steve Walsh]

A old fisherman is walking on a beach carrying a few fish in a bucket. A game warden walks up and asks to see his fishing license.
“I don’t have a fishing license,” says the man.
“You know it’s illegal to fish without a license, right?” asks the warden.
“I wasn’t fishing, officer. These fish are my pets.”
“Your pets?”
“Yes, officer. They like a little exercise, so when the weather’s fine, I take them to the water and let them swim around. Once they’re done, I give them a whistle and they jump back into my bucket and we head home.”
The officer isn’t buying a word of it, so the old man says, “Don’t believe me? Just watch!” and he throws the fish into the sea.
The warden waits for a minute then says, “Alright, now whistle to your fish and make them jump out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the officer and says,

Spoiler: show

“What fish?”

[Steve Walsh]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

Spoiler: show

'I can't p**s out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...