Joke I found funny...

[Rp0thejester]

Money was getting tight and we had two kids to feed, so I asked the wife to use her 'skills' to bring money in. Later that evening she came home with £2.05..... I asked where did the 5p come from, she said everyone!!!!

[momag46]

That’s to cheep, my wife charges £1.20, got to cover VAT

[Sloppysod]

Stumbled across this Guy today, for all those of us with or have had another half.

[Stickyfinger]

The man who designed the UKs fastest speedboat died the other day. The funeral will be held tomorrow at 11.00 followed by a wake.

--------------------------------------------

Monday - Greg
Tuesday - Ian
Wednesday - Greg
Thursday - Ian
Friday - Greg
Saturday - Ian
Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar.

[mickthemaverick]

I'm just back from a funeral for my friend who had a heart attack on the tennis court. It was a lovely service!!

[Stickyfinger]

So this couple are touring Scotland in a Campervan.

Out on their travels, the husband starts feeling randy but his new bride tells him there's no room in the van to perform nuptials as it's full of their gear.

So the husband says to his wife they could get under the van, after they'd pulled into a lay-by....sounds good she says.

However, his wife was worried if they were caught "at it" He reassured her and said to leave it up to him.

Sure enough, just as they are really getting up to their tricks, the next thing they both hear is a voice saying,"Hellooo, Police here , what's happening then?"

To which the husband quick as a flash responds, "Not to worry officer, I'm just fixing the clutch"!

"Aye well," says the officer, "if I was you Sun, I'd get my handbrake fixed too, as your van is 200 yards away at the bottom of the hill".

[myglaren]

Again, not a joke as such:-

'The ‘Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and. I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[Hell Razor5543]

I went to donate blood at the blood donor session yesterday, but I don't think I will go again. They ask too many personal questions, such as "Just WHOSE blood is this?", and "Where did you get it from?".

[Hell Razor5543]

I have recently found out who it was who designed and created King Arthur's famous table.

Spoiler: show

It was Sir Come F'Rence

[Rp0thejester]

Oh wow, that is bad...

[Rp0thejester]

This is why I don't cycle or run or exert myself

[myglaren]

Culled from today's Times:
"Perhaps the best on-stage ad lib in adversity was by the Moravian tenor Leo Slezak, who was supposed to depart on a swan-drawn boat at the end of Lohengrin. Unfortunately, a stage hand pulled his craft away before he could step on, leaving the stranded Slezak to quip: “What time’s the next swan?”

[MattBLancs]

Terrible Dad Joke incoming, which I just make up!

This was really getting on my nerves...

Thankfully I fixed it:

Spoiler: show

always been an advocate of a neat bit of parallel parkin!

[Hell Razor5543]

An Alsatian, a Labrador and a Siamese cat arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says "Before I can let you in I have to ask what you believe in". The Alsatian says "I believe in loyalty, faithfulness and protecting my Family". Saint Peter says "Welcome", and then turns to the Labrador, who says "I believe in fun, playfulness, and bringing happiness to my Family". Saint Peter smiles, says "Welcome", and then looks at the Siamese cat, who says "I believe you are sitting in my chair".

[Hell Razor5543]

I went to a zoo recently, and the only animal on display was a dog.

Spoiler: show

It was a Shih Tzu