Joke I found funny...

[Gibbo2286]

We had a minefield around our camp in Egypt, the little Arab kids used to come through it at night and rob the soldiers kit from the boxes under their beds while they slept.

[mickthemaverick]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Range Rover?

Spoiler: show

The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside!

[Stickyfinger]

Fred Flintstone wants his Joke back

[myglaren]

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. Ron replied,

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

[myglaren]

We worked at a battery manufacturing plant in a small town in Iowa. One of the primary hazards was lead contamination, so we had to have our blood lead levels checked frequently to be certain they didn't hit truly hazardous levels (but, working in such a place, your levels were *never* zero).

One day a coworker just slipped in the door & managed to clock in on time, so others asked him why was running so late. He said that he'd overslept & so had been egregiously speeding trying to make it when he was pulled over by Iowa State Patrol.

When the officer asked him why he was going so fast, he looked at him & said “Sorry, officer, but I work at Exide.”

“So what does that have to do you speeding?”

“It's my blood levels, sir. All the lead makes my foot heavy!”

Apparently, the cop got a good laugh at the excuse & let him go with a warning

[CitroJim]

Brings a whole new meaning to 'lead-footed'

[myglaren]

Years ago the Russian and Polish border was a bit more fluid than it is nowadays. One year URI’s farm is in Russia and then the next it may be in Poland. Uri and Kuba met up at the local feed store and begin their conversation.

Kuba ask Uri “how are you doing”? “Not bad”; Uri says. Kuba says, “ did you hear the border moved again? “Oh really which way”? Uri asks. “ Well let’s just say we’re in Poland this year “ Oh great”! Uri exclaims; “I don’t think I could handle another Russian winter.”

[Steve Walsh]

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what that filthy ape just did?" "No, what?" asked the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them." "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

Spoiler: show

"He'll eat anything, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Steve Walsh]

Do not read if easily offended



A Romanian, an Iraqi, and an Irish girl are
in the same bar in Belfast.
When the Romanian finishes his
Vodka, he throws his glass in the air
pulls out his pistol, and blasts the
glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Romania, our glasses are so
cheap we don't need to drink with the
same one twice.'
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this,
Drinks his orange juice as Muslims do not drink, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,
And blasts the glass to pieces.
He says,
'In the Arab World,
We have so much sand to make glasses
that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Irish girl,
Cool as a cucumber, picks up her pint of Guinness,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out an Armalite, and blasts the Romanian and the Iraqi.
Catching her glass, setting it back on the bar,
and ordering a refill, she says,

Spoiler: show

'In Ireland we have so many immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[Steve Walsh]

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said

Spoiler: show

"Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

[Rp0thejester]

[Steve Walsh]

[Gibbo2286]

Charlie went to buy some contraceptives shopkeeper say "That'll be £5.00 sir." "Blimey that's expensive." says Charlie, "It's the tax sir." says the shop man. Forget the tacks, I'll tie 'em on with string." says Charlie.

[myglaren]

[Gibbo2286]

That's one of those coincidence moments, I just a few moments ago paid for my solar battery and had exactly that traffic lights checks.