Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

[MattBLancs]

Puts me in mind of two Yorkshire dialect based jokes

Man walls into Yorkshire chemist's
"Does tha' 'ave any arse cream?"
Chemist: Aye lad, Walls or Cornetto


Man takes his cat to the vet
Vet: "Is it a Tom?"
nay lad, I brought it wi' me!

And not a joke but a phrase

Tha' can always tell a Yorkshireman, but tha' cannot tell 'im much!"

[Steve Walsh]

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment... The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

Spoiler: show

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Don’t you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

Spoiler: show

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[momag46]

Nice one!

[myglaren]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table....

The third man married a girl from Scotland .
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

[Karata]

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of Viаgra to an equal number of engineers and lawyers.
While the majority of the engineers achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.
The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.

[Karata]

A man got a phone call at work from his sobbing wife. Through her tears, she said, "It’s the pharmacist. I just called him with a question and he insulted me terribly!"

"I’ll talk to him right now," said the husband as he headed out to the drugstore. Finding the druggist, he started to demand an apology, but before he could say more than few words, the druggist said,

"Hang on a minute and hear my side of the story:

This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I got up late, left without breakfast and hurried to my car, only to realize that I had locked all my keys inside the house! I had to break a window just to get my keys.

By then, I was really late, so I drove too fast and got a speeding ticket. When I was about a half mile from the store, my car died and wouldn’t restart so I ran the rest of the way here.

There was a crowd of customers waiting for the drugstore to open, but every time I tried to wait on someone the damn phone would ring.

Then I needed change, so I broke a roll of quarters against the register drawer and they fell all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick them up when the phone rang again.

As I raised up to answer the phone, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back and knock over a perfume display which fell on the floor breaking every damned bottle! Now the place smells like a cheap brothel, the customers are complaining, and phone is still ringing…

And I finally answered it and it was your wife asking me how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me, mister, with God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

Mary Poppins was traveling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night:
"Certainly madam." He replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" Enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no." Came the reply. "But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam." He replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" Asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please." Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam, did you sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you." Mary replied.
"Was the food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though, they really weren't that nice at all." Replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh,well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." Said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" Replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written!

Spoiler: show

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

[Steve Walsh]

[Hell Razor5543]

I wonder if Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?

[Huskyxantia]

Marc has been very busy uploading lots of info about dash warning lights and so on . But he missed these so i thought id pop it up here.

[Steve Walsh]