Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant. I was just finishing up and thinking about getting the bill when this little old lady came up to my table. She said: “You are such a lovely boy, with beautiful manners. You are a credit to your mum and dad.” Then off she toddled.

I said to the waiter: Excuse me, but who was that?

He said: Ah yes sir: that’s your complimentary nan…

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

I had to put this funny video here (and not in the Funny Pictures/Video thread), as it was genuinely done as a joke. The text explains it further.

[Karata]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that"...

[Rp0thejester]

A woman ordered a battery powered chainsaw, she's 65 with COPD and Dementia. The chainsaw wasn't working well as she didn't have the strength to use it. So wanted to sell it. So a man turned up and looked at the chainsaw and said, the chain is on backwards you dosy bitch!! Now it works great!! Yes it's a true story not a joke, like when she tried fitting my washing machine without turning the water off!!!!!! I couldn't think where this would fit in topics so I picked here. So now I have a 65yr old dementia mother in law running around with a battery powered chainsaw, what could possibly go wrong....

[Hell Razor5543]

I was going past a cinema recently. There was a lot of people dressing in vibrant pink waiting to see a film. Nothing unusual about that, until I mention that quite a few of them had small trays of charcoal, cooking sausages, bacon and burgers.

Spoiler: show

It was a Barbie queue!

Spoiler: show

There is nothing that will make me admit to making up this joke! Oh Yum, CitroJims' flapjacks! All right then, you got me!

[Rp0thejester]

Another joke for the Dad jokes section

[CitroJim]

I was going past a cinema recently. There was a lot of people dressing in vibrant pink waiting to see a film. Nothing unusual about that, until I mention that quite a few of them had small trays of charcoal, cooking sausages, bacon and burgers.

Spoiler: show

There is nothing that will make me admit to making up this joke! Oh Yum, CitroJims' flapjacks! All right then, you got me!

That is a very high quality dad joke indeed! Love it, especially the second spoiler!

[mickthemaverick]

Not a joke but I couldn't help laughing at the futility of this email I got this morning!!

MTM Email

[CitroJim]

The watering can is to hold the cutting oil Mick, a nice shed to keep it in and chairs for those wishing to watch you turning something...

There, it all now makes perfect sense

[Gibbo2286]

Large and grey is the key, lucky they didn't offer you an elephant.

[myglaren]

[Karata]

To the lady at Walmart with the screaming kids who is wondering how a box of condoms got into her cart: You're welcome!

[myglaren]

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too
late and we're all gonna die."

[myglaren]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?"

Colin replied "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks that knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"OK. President Clinton," his boss retorts.

"Yup," Colin says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour, motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken, but still not totally convinced. Colin implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in St Peter's Square when Colin says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is lying on the ground surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?