Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied,

Spoiler: show

“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

A hacker phoned me earlier, and told me they had all of my passwords. I responded "Thank goodness for that. Can you tell me what they all are?".

If you were on a weight loss scheme I BET you would be really motivated if you found out the weight you lost went onto somebody you did not like!

[myglaren]

Not a 'joke', but still very funny.

My 19 year old, naturally blonde daughter, dyed her hair to a shade of brunette.

I laughed and laughed when she said ' Look ma, artificial intelligence!’

[Steve Walsh]

Man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly-tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

Spoiler: show

'So I just switched the heads.'

[myglaren]

My daughter is an embalmer for a funeral director and has seen that before, horrified and tickled pink in equal measure.

[Paul-R]

Cats versus Dogs

Dogs prepare you for babies.
Cats prepare you for teenagers.

A dog that you fed for 3 days will remember you in 3 years
A cat that you fed for 3 years will forget you in 3 days

[Paul-R]

Eyes and Ears

Men fall in love with what they see,
Women fall in love with what they hear.

Which is why

Men tell lies
Women wear make-up

[mickthemaverick]

Received from my daughter

[Rp0thejester]

Just told my Mrs that everytime I see bog roll in the toilet that hasn't been flushed properly I will NOT put the seat or lid down!!! Fecking wished I Never said anything, oh well.....

[Paul-R]

'll never get over the disappointment I felt
when I found out the Channel Tunnel was

this

and not this

[Steve Walsh]

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse, no front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money.
He strolled up to the counter and said:
"Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said:
"Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite."
The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said:
"You're bull-s**t' me !"
The social worker said:

Spoiler: show

"Yeah, well . . . You started it . . .“

[Hell Razor5543]

I seem to have bought some shoes from a local drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I have been tripping all day!

[Rp0thejester]

That is that bad it's should be under the heading of 'Dad Jokes'

[myglaren]

Fifty odd years ago I was a bus driver, and in those days most Double Deck buses had the engine at the front, and an open platform at the rear where passengers got on and off.

Look up the London Transport Routemaster.

Anyway, one day I was going along in heavy stop-start traffic, when suddenly I heard a bang, but felt nothing.

My conductor gave me the emergency stop signal, so I applied the handbrake, shut down the engine and went round to the back of the bus to investigate what was going on. My conductor, who had been upstairs, was coming down.

A young lady had driven her car into the back of the bus, and part of it was embedded into the platform.

My conductor looked at her and said, “Sorry love, you can't get on the bus with that."