Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

I was visiting the states with my pipe-band. We were performing in downtown Houston.

My pal, Allan got talking to a group of elderly locals and they all starting asking us about Scotland [pronounced “SCATLAND” by them]...

Allan is fairly cynical about Yanks and started spinning this yarn :

Sorry if I can’t do it justice but hope you get the gist of the story.

“There was this clan who lived in the Island of Skye and they were the hereditary pipers to the Clan McLeod. They were called McMuffin. Now one of them was caught in bed with the daughter of the Chief of Clan McLeod. Because of this outrangeous behaviour the whole McMuffin clan were banished to a small island in the Outer Hebrides called Eigg. They lived in poverty for over two centuries and the clan almost died out…. In the 1980’s however, the fast-food people, McDonalds, who of course have close connections with Scotland, somehow heard about the plight of these poor people on the remote island of Eigg. They decided to sponsor the clan and in their honour called one of the their dishes after them…. - the Egg McMuffin.”

The Yanks then said “Gee, that’s awesome - so that’s where McDonalds got the name!”

I somehow managed to keep a straight face while he told this tale which he expanded considerably compared to the above….!

[Hell Razor5543]

Nicknames for (less than ideal) co-workers;

KitKat - Always taking a break
Butter Knife - Not the sharpest tool in the box
Arthur - Does half a job
Motion sensor - Only works when somebody walks past
E. T. - Always wants to go home
Seaweed - Floats around all day and stinks to high heaven
Lantern - Not very bright, and has to be carried
Deck Chair - Always folds under pressure
G-Spot - Can never find them
Daisy - Some days in, some days not
Foreskin - Disappears when things get hard
Coleslaw - They're 90% cabbage

[myglaren]

Not actually a joke but a serious statement.

’Helen just had her baby, they thought that it was going to be premature, but it was a couple of days late so it was overture’

[bobins]

Further to James'.....

Emu - only works if you put your hand up his backside
Levi - leaves at 5.01
Hollywood - he's a bald c**t
Minty - only shows up after eight
Blacksmith - when it's his round he makes a bolt for the door

[Steve Walsh]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

Spoiler: show

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[momag46]

Excellent!!

[Hell Razor5543]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

Spoiler: show

"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a frog walks into a recruitment agency and asks for a job. The consultant is startled to meet a talking frog, recovers his composure, and says "OK, but you will have to fill out an application form". "Fine", says the frog ,"pass one over and I will fill it out now". The consultant does so, and watches the frog filling out the form. 'A talking frog who can read and write (and writes neatly too)' he thinks, and then he remembers something and gets on the phone.

The frog completes the form and hands it over. The consultant says "I have got you an interview". "Blimey", replies the frog, "That was quick. Who with?". The consultant responds "Well, the circus is in town, and the ring master wants to meet you".

The frog looks confused and asks

Spoiler: show

"What use would a circus have for a qualified plumber?".

[Hell Razor5543]

I saw a post on Instagram that made me grin.

"If you go into a park wearing a falconry glove and a worried expression, looking frantically at the sky, everybody with a small dog will leave".

[Stickyfinger]

Did you know that Grimsby and Las Vegas are the only places you can pay for sex using chips.

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

Another Instagram one;

Weeks ago my Mother-in-Law started reading 'The Exorcist'. She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. It was so evil that she could not finish it, went to the beach, and threw it into the sea from a pier.

I went to the bookshop, bought another copy, ran the tap over it, and left it on her bedside table!

[Stickyfinger]

[Stickyfinger]

[myglaren]

[Vic Evans]

I've got a racing snail.
I removed its shell to make it faster but it didn't work - if anything it was more sluggish.