Joke I found funny...

[Paul-R]

Paint shaker?

[myglaren]

The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support

[Stickyfinger]

Chatting to a Norwegian chap in the pub yesterday and he was reminiscing about all the classic cars he had owned
Anglias, Prefects, Consuls, Zephyrs,Zodiacs, Capris, Escorts, Mondeos, Granada

I think he was pining for the Fords

[Stickyfinger]

Tony Blair, Keir Starmer and his pet dog go into a pub to grab some lunch.

After a couple of minutes, a guy comes in, lifts the guide dog's tail and sighs before leaving. Blair and Sir Keir are shocked but stay silent as they don't seem to have been recognised.

Through the course of the meal, this happens several times, always lifting the tail, sighing and leaving disappointed.

Perplexed, Starmer asks the bar-maid what's happening. 'oh, there's a rumour going around the village that there's a dog in the pub with two aholes.'

[Stickyfinger]

Stone-Age pot holes were worse

[Hell Razor5543]

Do you know what are the most dangerous canoes in the world?

Spoiler: show

Volcanoes, especially when they are active!

[myglaren]

A tour guide is showing some American tourists around the outback when they come across an Aboriginal man lying on the road with one ear to the ground. The guide remarks “That’s one of our finest blacktrackers! He must be tracking something!” So they walk over and the guide asks the Aboriginal man “Hey Bill, what are you tracking?”

“A truck on this road”

“Really? Can you tell how far away it is?”

“About three kilometres.”

“Wow! Can you tell if it is coming towards us, or going away?”

“Going away.”

“Don’t suppose you can tell what kind of truck?”

“Yeah, it’s a 1983 Ford”

At this point one of the Americans is so skeptical that he scoffs “Next you’ll be telling us what colour it is”

“It’s blue” the Aboriginal man replies confidently.

The American tourist is astounded and says “That’s incredible! How can you possibly tell all that?”

Spoiler: show

“Well I fell off the back of it five minutes ago”

[Gibbo2286]

Daisy eagerly got engaged but when she found the man had an icicle like penis she broke it off.

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when Bubba suddenly says "I am going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me for months". Earl spits over the side, takes a long slow swig of beer, swallows it and finally replies "You have better think it over; women like that are hard to find".

[myglaren]

Yes, waited a year for it and almost forgot.

[Gibbo2286]

"Is Charlie not in today?"
"No he got burned."
"Oh! Not too serious I hope,"
"Well they don't muck around down at the crematorium."

[Hell Razor5543]

Apparently Mattel are launching a new Barbie doll; 'Divorce Barbie'. It retails at around £250. When asked why it was so much more than the other products in the Barbie range Mattel response was that it came with a lot more accessories; Kens' house, Kens' car, and one of Kens' mates!