Joke I found funny...

[Citroening]

Excellent!

[jgra1]

lol



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Blimey, talk about Dyson with death.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

[CitroJim]

John, absolutely excellent

My two favourites, especially the last one...

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

[jgra1]

[Gregg1100]

I was in a club over the weekend and I saw a fat bird at the bar, I walked up to her and said "Fancy a dance love?""Ooh, that would be nice" She replied "We'll off you go then, me and my mates can't get to the bloody bar"

I phoned the police the other day.
"whats your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "two girls are fighting over me"
"Ok" she paused.
"Well whats the problem?"
l said "the fat one is winning"


I bought an advent calender, but im gonna take it back to the market tomorrow. It said made in 'Merthyr Tydfil'. When i turned it over all the windows were boarded up.

[Xaccers]

under new eu legislation it will be compulsory to have insurance to have nooky...here are some E U recommended insurance companies...

Nooky with your wife - legal & general
Nooky with your future wife - mutual trust
Nooky with long term partner - standard life
Nooky with your secretary - employers liability
Nooky with a prostitute - commercial union
Nooky on the phone - direct line
casual nooky with different partners - go compare
Nooky with a lady boy - confused.com
Nooky with a sheep - National Farmers Union
Nooky with someone you met at a party - Provident
Nooky with a chav - No Insurance, MOT, or license.
Nooky with an escaped murderer - AXA
Nooky with a cabin boy - Admiral
Nooky with a homosexual - Hiscox Home

[Xaccers]

Following Anthony Worrall Thompsons arrest for shoplifting it appears that other celebrities have also turned to theft.

Nigella Lawson has just been spotted running out of Sainsburys with two melons hidden up her blouse.

[Trainman]

Announcement over the public address system on a train.

Good Afternoon, Th is your ticket inspector speaking, In a pproximately 30 minutes I will coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on the train, to begin their search NOW!!!!

[myglaren]

Announcement over the public address system on a train.

Good Afternoon, Th is your ticket inspector speaking, In a pproximately 30 minutes I will coming to inspect your tickets. I would like to ask all the ladies on the train, to begin their search NOW!!!!

Personal experience Steve?

[Trainman]

I'm not a Ticket Inspector, but in some ways...........................................particularly when SWMBO "can't find her purse"

[addo]

Of course, that is one joke which has a secondary punchline...

Female passenger (after minutes of searching in vain): "Oh, it must be in my other handbag!"

[Trainman]

Of course, that is one joke which has a secondary punchline...

Female passenger (after minutes of searching in vain): "Oh, it must be in my other handbag!"

Which one ??

[Cliohhh]

Went to see Ready, Steady, Cook the other day. It was brilliant. Antony Worrall Thompson absolutely stole the show.

AWT was caught stealing cheese from Tesco. He should have done it more Caerphilly.

AWT has been caught shoplifting milk, yeast and flour from his local Tesco. Apparently he'd run out of dough.

[Dippy]

English lesson:

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to
understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED. However, there is a difference. When you marry the right woman,
you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And, remember, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ---COMPLETELY FINISHED!

[Dippy]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..



Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.



The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!



1.This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

I bet you cannot resist passing it on..