Joke I found funny...

[CitroJim]

^^^ I'd be the same... Bike - no contest

[MattBLancs]

Have we had the engineer and the balloonist on here yet?

I'll have to have a dig see if I can find it (though can just type it from memory if needs be)

[MattBLancs]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a lady down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The lady below says, "Yes I can help. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the lady. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the balloonist. "Everything you told be was technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

Spoiler: show

The lady below says, "You must be a Manager"

"I am", replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." says the lady. "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."

[Stickyfinger]

[myglaren]

THE BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a
visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she
was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Nova Scotia."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Nova Scotia ."

"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000.00 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

[myglaren]

A father passing by his son's bedroom

Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

[CitroJim]

^^^ Magic

[myglaren]

The minister at a church realized that the church had never received a donation from one of its members, the town's most successful lawyer.

The minister visited the lawyer to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the minister mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken minister began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated minister said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

[Steve Walsh]

Customer: I bought this record and all I can hear a loud buzzing.

Spoiler: show

Store assistant: Ah, you must have been playing the B-side.

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

Upon hearing her grandfather had just passed away a young lady made her way to see her Grandmother to comfort her. "How did he die?", she asks. "From a heart attack", relies her Grandmother "while we were making love!". Granddaughter is surprised and shocked. "Two people of your advanced years should not be making love, as it is too strenuous" she exclaims. "Oh, no", responds her Grandmother, "years ago we worked out a way that was perfectly safe. We made love while the church bells were ringing. They had a nice rhythm, slow, even, and steady. In on the 'ding', out on the 'dong'. We had been doing it this way for years, and your Grandfather would still be alive if it hadn't been for that damned ice cream van.".

[GiveMeABreak]

[myglaren]

[GiveMeABreak]

[myglaren]

I have seen that happen.

Also, when an apprentice on day release to Scarborough Tech, a colleague and friend was going to open a gallon of black gloss.
Somehow he let it slip, it fell to the floor at his feet and the paint fountained up into his face and all over his clothes.
Only his eyes remained visible. He had closed them as the paint surged upward.
Fortunately the college is adjacent to the hospital where he was take to be cleaned up and checked over.
No damage other than to his pride,