Joke I found funny...

[Huskyxantia]

So i got stopped for speeding and the officer asks me how fast i was going in a 30 zone , so i replied 36, same speed as you officer, to which the officer replied how you know i was doing 36 just before i stopped you , well i said i deliberately slowed you down from the 50 you were doing in the first place........

[Huskyxantia]

And that wasn't a joke above.

[CitroJim]

[Steve Walsh]

One day a traveling salesman was driving around rural Wales and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse.
After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Arthur........."
"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"
"It will cost you £100." replied the farmer.
The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"
"Well," said the farmer, "the local magistrate takes out £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things."
"Oh," answered the man, "so that's £40 for the magistrate and £60 for Arthur."
The farmer shook his head, "No, the local constable also takes £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things!"
"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the magistrate gets £40, the cop gets £40 that only leaves £20 for Arthur! Thats no way to make a living!"
The farmer shook his head again and said

Spoiler: show

"No - We pay Gareth and Dai £10 each to hold Arthur down, because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"

[Steve Walsh]

A mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked in our marital bed with Joe Murphy! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation...

Spoiler: show

She never got your e-mail!"

[Hell Razor5543]

A racing stable employs a jockey, and the trainer of one particular horse has some unusual instructions. "When you are 20 feet out from a jump you must say '3, 2, 1, Jump!' to this horse", says the trainer. The jockey thinks this is very stupid, and that he KNOWS how to ride horses, so he decides to ignore this advice. A few days later this horse and he are paired up for a steeplechase. As they approach the first jump the horse makes no attempt to jump, but ploughs straight through it, dropping them back down the field. The jockey doesn't believe it, but they carry on. The same thing happens at the second jump. 'This horse is really stupid', thinks the jockey, 'so I will see what happens when I try that instruction'. '3, 2, 1, Jump!' and the horse clears the jump beautifully. They make their way through the field, eventually coming in second. As they come into the unsaddling enclosure the owner of the horse asks the jockey why he didn't follow the instructions he had been given, as they would have won the race if he had. The jockey (not wanting to look a fool) said "I did, but the horse didn't hear me".

Spoiler: show

"Don't be such a bl00dy idiot", replies the owner, "the horse is blind, not deaf!".

[Steve Walsh]

cing stable employs a jockey, and the trainer of one particular horse has some unusual instructions. "When you are 20 feet out from a jump you must say '3, 2, 1, Jump!' to this horse", says the trainer. The jockey thinks this is very stupid, and that he KNOWS how to ride horses, so he decides to ignore this advice. A few days later this horse and he are paired up for a steeplechase. As they approach the first jump the horse makes no attempt to jump, but ploughs straight through it, dropping them back down the field. The jockey doesn't believe it, but they carry on. The same thing happens at the second jump. 'This horse is really stupid', thinks the jockey, 'so I will see what happens when I try that instruction'. '3, 2, 1, Jump!' and the horse clears the jump beautifully. They make their way through the field, eventually coming in second. As they come into the unsaddling enclosure the owner of the horse asks the jockey why he didn't follow the instructions he had been given, as they would have won the race if he had. The jockey (not wanting to look a fool) said "I did, but the horse didn't hear me".
Spoiler: show

Just choked on my coffee!!!!! Funniest one I have heard for a while

[Hell Razor5543]

We all know that 6 was terrified of 7, because 7, 8, 9, but WHY did 7 eat 9?

Spoiler: show

Because you are meant to eat three squared meals a day!

[Stickyfinger]

Say what you like about the NHS, but at least they removed that mole from my arse.

Spoiler: show

Unlike the RSPCA who said they'd prosecute me if I did it again.

[Stickyfinger]

Archaeologists have finally unearthed documents that verify who led the Pedants Revolt in 1381...

Apparently it was Whom Tyler.

[Stickyfinger]

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should wee-fwaze that. Can I see her wurk awound the yard a blit?'

[myglaren]

[CitroJim]

I have one of those that says 'Pause my Garmin'..

Seriously, I always wear one very similar when running... It has all my ICE* information on it...

When cycling, I have a QR code on my lid that contains my ICE... Scan it with a smartphone and it takes you to a website to view the information...

* In Case of Emergency

[Stickyfinger]

ICE... In Cranium Entertainment

[CitroJim]

ICE... In Cranium Entertainment

I have bone conductors for that