Joke I found funny...

[Stickyfinger]

I was recently asked to explain the game of Cricket so I referred the inquirer to a passage well documented within the annals of history:

How to explain Cricket to a foreigner:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game

So now you know

(Not sporty at all)

I think I know more AND less about cricket at the same time after that!

Stumped me

[Stickyfinger]

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender
”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!”
The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals
Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells
”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink!
Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim
When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again
"Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '

[Stickyfinger]

When Stephen Hawking had his first date he came back with his glasses smashed, a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up

[Stickyfinger]

I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a WHY 0hhh Why-axis

[myglaren]

"The water board rang me yesterday and told me that they'd be cutting the supply off for a while. They recommended using the kettle and pans to fill my bath.

"I did, and now I can't get into the bath."

[myglaren]

[CitroJim]

^^

[admiral51]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The AirBus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter

[CitroJim]

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter

Yep, definitely!

[admiral51]

This one puzzles me any ideas ?
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds

[CitroJim]

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds

The husband of the lady you've just been having fun with chasing you

[Rimukass]

haha

[Steve Walsh]

While riding my touring motorbike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head and splitting my chin open.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your chin.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

Spoiler: show

"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

[CitroJim]

^^

[Steve Walsh]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:

Spoiler: show

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'