Joke I found funny...

[Stickyfinger]

Midget clairvoyant escaped from prison.







..Small medium at large

[Hell Razor5543]

I went to a Salsa Club yesterday, and I was fully prepared. Tortilla chips, Doritos (various flavours), paper plates, napkins, and so on. How was I to know that Salsa is also a dance style?

[CitroJim]

^^

[mickthemaverick]

Watching the Peugeot film which Neil posted on the FCF Archives thread here reminded me of the tale of the chap who left school and went to work on the production line at Ford in Dagenham.

He began his career by inserting the horn button on Escort steering wheels and over the next 12 years he was moved around every 12 months until he found himself putting the sleeves on the handbrakes. After 15 years he decided he should do something different so he resigned and went to work for Huntley & Palmers on the biscuit production line.

All went well until he had risen to the post of gem icer, where his roll involved standing beside the conveyor which brought the newly cooked gem biscuits through the cooler and then past him. He had an icing gun in each hand, one blue and one pink and his job was to put the little spiral icing cap on each biscuit as they passed. Sadly after his first day on that job he was forced to resign and go back to Ford because:

Spoiler: show

he couldn't stand the decision making!

[CitroJim]

^^

[Steve Walsh]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

Spoiler: show

"You're going to die," she replied.

[myglaren]

One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits him job, gives up his apartment and rents out a Cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks:

“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.”

The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”

“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.

But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”

But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”

“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”

But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”

The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.”

“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.

“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”

The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. I just gonna be you and me.”

[admiral51]

Are you able to work out if someone was Shott or Nott?

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

I asked my cricket captain if I could bowl from the pavillion end but he told me I had to run up to the wicket like everyone else!!

[myglaren]

^

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the candidates down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The CIA instructor administering the final test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. The instructor said "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man was completely shocked and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the instructor, "you are definitely not the right man for this job."

So the instructor brings the second man to the same door and hands the man a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looks a bit shocked, but nevertheless he takes the gun and enters the door. All is quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opens and the man comes out and with tears in his eyes, he says "I just couldn't pull the trigger, I can't shoot my wife, I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA instructor replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now the woman is the only candidate left. Again the instructor leads her to the same door and hands her the same gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA instructor could hear the gun start to fire. One shot after another for 6 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. There was screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped her brow and said "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[mickthemaverick]

I was recently asked to explain the game of Cricket so I referred the inquirer to a passage well documented within the annals of history:

How to explain Cricket to a foreigner:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game

So now you know

[CitroJim]

Yep, that just about sums it up Mick! Very clearly and coherently

[MattBLancs]

I was recently asked to explain the game of Cricket so I referred the inquirer to a passage well documented within the annals of history:

How to explain Cricket to a foreigner:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game

So now you know

(Not sporty at all)

I think I know more AND less about cricket at the same time after that!

[admiral51]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home... And left it there all night.