Joke I found funny...

[Stickyfinger]

[Peter.N.]

You can't move on the M25 anyway!

Peter

[Steve Walsh]

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says

Spoiler: show

“Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"

[Peter.N.]

[CitroJim]

Nice one!

[myglaren]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

[Steve Walsh]

t was Ned the mailman’s last day at work….
As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by an elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house, he received a box of fine cigars. And so it went on….gift after gift with nice messages.
Then at the last house, he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn't mind. She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs, and hash-browns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.
Curious, he asked the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything...but...what’s the dollar for?”
“Oh”, says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement.

Spoiler: show

He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’"
She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea..!!”

[Hell Razor5543]

I think you might be a bit behind the times, Steve. I posted that joke eight years ago!

[myglaren]

Not a joke as such but a quote from another forum.

We had one bloke known as “Thrombosis” because he was “a slow moving clot”. And another one called “Morphine” because he was “a quick acting dope”.

Others spring to mind, “Rocket Boots” seemed to walk everywhere at high speed, “Zippy” sometimes spoke like a character from a kids program, “Digger” because his initials were JCB, “Tyres” because that was what he used to play with when he was a kid.

As for me, there were six of us in the office all with the same first name. One day it was raining heavily outside and I was walking down the down the corridor, dripping wet and looking rather grumpy. My team leader came out of his office, saw me walking towards him and smiled slightly. When I got level with him he said “from now on you will answer to ‘Ogre’”.

I looked at him for a second or two then asked “Why exactly”?

He walked off in the direction I had just come and said over his shoulder “because you are big, ugly and I don’t want to meet you in a dark alley….”.

[myglaren]

One from a couple of weeks ago

I used to work with a chap known to all as Pep. I once asked him what Pep was short for. He said it was short for nothing, his name was Ray, it was just what people called him. He had no idea why. After several years of working with him I was asked by our union rep to deliver some letters to the workers in our section - easy except for one. The exception was addressed to Raymondo Sicola. As Pep was the only one I had not delivered a letter to I confirmed with him that it was, indeed, meant for him. Yes, he was Raymondo Sicola - or Pep for short: Pep Sicola.

[CitroJim]

Many, many years ago I worked with a lovely old soul who, amongst other things, taught me Morse He was always rather unkindly known as 'Noddy'...

It was a while before I learned why... He could tell a great story and he ever so slightly embellished them...He used to regularly recycle them and with each retelling they'd grow just a little taller...

His audience had heard it all before and were in the habit of nodding knowingly and silently saying 'Yes Len, yes...' whilst he told his tales...

All his tales were hugely entertaining and all had a significant grain of truth about them...

Poor old boy was a chain-smoker and that finally did for him - far too soon We used to learn our Morse in a room filled with a blue fog...

Still miss him. One of life's great characters...

[Peter.N.]

The morse reminds me of a milk tanker driver from some years ago, in the '80s anyway. He used to send me slow morse at night quite often. If he came up behind you in his tanker he would send 'CQ' on his hooter. One evening I had been practicing with him and he sent me a message at a speed much faster that I could read, when I remonstrated with him he said 'that was a recording of what you just sent me'. I was struggling with reading 12 wpm what he sent must have been about 20, I couldn't read it of course, must be a different part of the brain

[CitroJim]

If he came up behind you in his tanker he would send 'CQ' on his hooter.

Ahh love it Peter I'm still guilty of sending 'CQ' on my cars' hooters or indeed anything that will pass as an approximate generator of Morse

I really must get some practice in... I'm all rusty again and reckon I'd struggle at much over 5 wpm these days but I find a few weeks of solid practice soon has me back up there again...

I was shocked recently to find there's an Android 'phone app. that'll read Morse straight 'off air' via the 'phones microphone...

I will try it and see how it copes with some of the rough old sending I hear on 40M I suspect it might be OK with clean 'machine' Morse but will struggle with poor hand sent Morse buried in QRM...

[bobins]

The wife managed to get one of her old bosses the nickname 'Hollywood' behind his back..... because he was a bald c@#t

[MattBLancs]

On the theme of nicknames, some belters in here: