Joke I found funny...

[Huskyxantia]

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

[mickthemaverick]

Unashamed ad for an idea you may not have come across!! Have a look:

viewtopic.php?p=731799#p731799

[Steve Walsh]

The Madam opened the Brothel Door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you"..?? the Madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the Old Man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive Ladies, perhaps someone else"..???
"NO, I must see Natalie." the old guy exclaims.
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the Old Man, that she Charges £1,000 per visit.
Without blinking, the Old Man reached into his Pocket and handed her 20 £50 notes.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie..?!?!?
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back Two Nights in a Row and that there were NO Discounts. It was still £1,000 a visit.
Again the Old Man took out the Money, the Two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the THIRD Consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the Old Man:- "No one has ever used my Services Three Nights in a Row. Where are you from Sir"..???
The Old Man replied, "I'm from Lichfield."
"Really"..?? replied Natalie.
"I have Family that Lives there." she replies.
"Yes, I Know," said the old man.

Spoiler: show

"Your Father Died recently, and I'm your Sister's solicitor".
"And she asked me to give this £3,000, when I saw you".......

[CitroJim]

^^

[daviemck2006]

A rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in...

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief!

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet...

How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing! How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!'

[CitroJim]

^^ I'm still looking for the person who introduced me to Citroens all those years ago and started off a lifelong addiction that no rehab can ever cure...

Hold on, I do know... It was my Ex and the Blue AX11 she had when I first met her

[mickthemaverick]

A chap runs into the pub and dashes up to the bar:
"Is there a zoo near here?"
"Yes there is just down the road" says the barman
"Do they have penguins?"
"Yes I believe so" chimes in the landlady.
"Do they stick together in pairs?"
"You know I hadn't realised it but now you mention it yes the do" she replied.
"Do they use the pedestrian crossing just up the road?"
"No, of course not!" Says the barman

Spoiler: show

"Oh my God, I've just knocked down a couple of nuns!!"

[Steve Walsh]

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep,
growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish Nationalists.
That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?

Spoiler: show

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

[mickthemaverick]

Not a joke as such but it made me laugh!!
Watching the Liverpool match on TV tonight the commentator was summing up what the teams needed to do tonight to achieve their ambitions. He concluded with:

".......and if Liverpool lose by less than one goal then they............." Come again????

[CitroJim]

".......and if Liverpool lose by less than one goal then they............." Come again????

Fractional goals - now that would make it interesting

[admiral51]

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.
Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.
God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net).
A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked.
He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.



God smiled. Think about it -- who can he tell?

[Steve Walsh]

[myglaren]

My teacher told me not to worry about such things

He said in the future there will be machines that automatically "spell check" your words.

I use it all the time, for which I am externally grapefruit

[Paul-R]

Just so long as it can be set to British English. I'm fed up with people who I know are British using 'color', neighbor', 'counter clockwise', 'aluminum', etc.

[myglaren]

^Indeed. Although my operating systems and all browser settings are for UK English (i.e. English) it frequently wants to use the despicable Webster 'English' that the USA-ians rely upon. Americanish

That post is a joke though, not picking up on anyone's spelling errors.