Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

PADDY'S LAST WILL -
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

Spoiler: show

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The ba****d had a window cleaning round."

[myglaren]

[Peter.N.]

Not bad at all.

Peter

[Steve007]

I upset my Jehovah Witness brother-in-law yesterday, he tried telling me a knock-knock joke and I just ignored it.

Paitant says to DR I allways gag when brushing my teeth and tounge, but never when I give my Boyfreind head whats the problem? DR replies Obviously your toohbrush is larger..

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar & asked, "What man will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owley-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter & bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit & asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar & said, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender approached the drunk and said. "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.

[Paul-R]

Why cats have nine lives.

[Steve Walsh]

THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

Spoiler: show

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it".

[Rp0thejester]

Why was the celery embarrassed....... He walked in on the salad dressing...

[myglaren]

Cop on horse says to a little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

[myglaren]

[Johnno]

Not sure if this joke has appeared already - that's the trouble with there being so many! And it involves a penguin.

A penguin was driving in the country on a hot day when his car started making an odd noise and smoke appeared from under the bonnet. Spying a garage, he pulled in and spoke to the proprietor who said "Leave it with me for an hour and I'll take a look". The penguin wandered into the village for a look around and after a while he bought an icecream.

It was, as we know, a hot day and penguins aren't the most adept at handling icecream which meant quite a bit got around his beak and down his front. Making his way back to the garage, he saw the proprietor, who looked up from the open bonnet and said "You've blown a seal". "Oh no", said the penguin, "It's just the icecream".

[mickthemaverick]

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano?

Spoiler: show

Neither has he!

[mickthemaverick]

Tom Cruise walked into a local courthouse in LA to ask if he could park his car in their car park.
He was met at the reception by George Clooney who was doing some voluntary civil work to enhance his reputation.
"No, you cannot park in the car park!" was Clooney's response to his opening question.
"But I always park there when I'm in town " he replied, "Ask the judge!"
Clooney picked up the phone and asked the judge if he could join them in the foyer as there was a problem with an upstart.
A few minutes later Morgan Freeman came through the door from the Judge's rooms and said "What's the problem?"
"This chap wants to know if he can park his car in our car park?" answered Clooney.
Freeman looked Tom up and down and replied "Not on my watch he can't!!" and turned and went back to his office.

"So now you have to move it OK?" said Clooney to Tom.

Spoiler: show

You've had it in black and white!"

[Huskyxantia]

Young lad goes to chemist to buy some protection , lady on the till says to the lad what size you want , erm i dunno says the lad , well go out the back theres a fence with 3 holes pop your wood in each hole see what the best fit is and then come back and tell me , erm ok says the lad, 2 hours pass the lad still hasn't come back to the lady on the till so she goes out the back to see whats going on, the lad is there with his wood in the small hole big grin on his face pushing back and forth with all his worth , hey lad what the he'll you doing... shouts the lady, what oh s**t says the lad , forget the condoms how much you want for this fence !

[Huskyxantia]

Paddy went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When he got there, murphy was locking the front door. Paddy said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes said murphy, but not in a row!"

[Huskyxantia]

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."