Joke I found funny...

[Gibbo2286]

Having lunch today popped the TV on, Young Sheldon was on,
Not a joke but funny from the old guys,

"Been married for eighteen years, the best two years of my life."

[Steve Walsh]

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

Spoiler: show

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey'......

[Karata]

Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin .
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job."
Mick said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."
The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?", Mick exclaimed.
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, "I don’t know."
You put down, "Neither do I."

[admiral51]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy slept with a penguin!'

'Grumpy slept with a penguin!'

[myglaren]

Stolen from "The Internet".

A tourist was visiting San Francisco for the first time. He stopped at various venues — Nob Hill, Twin Peaks, Fisherman’s Wharf (where he saw a bus with a group of penguins seated, but that's another story) — and as the afternoon lengthened, he decided to visit Chinatown.

Ah, exotic Chinatown! He was enchanted by the different rhythms and tones of language, the steam and smells of various cuisines, stores offering herbs, clothing, souvenirs.

One curio store caught his eye. He wandered inside to see artwork and sculptures of amazing intricacy, and even, in some pieces, a hint of something sinister. The proprietor, an aged bearded gentleman in an old-fashioned robe, greeted him with a knowing nod.

The tourist’s attention was captured by an astonishingly realistic statuette of a rat. It seemed that some strange power emanated from its red jeweled eyes.

“How much for this?” the tourist asked.

The owner smiled. “For the statuette? Only $25. But …” His voice lowered and his smile widened. “There is a story about that statuette. Oh yes, there is a story. And the story costs $500.”

The tourist threw $25 on the counter. “Keep your story, old man. All I want is the statuette.”

The old man laughed. “If you change your mind, return here — if you can.”

The tourist, slightly unnerved by this remark, left the store, heading to Aquatic Park and a dramatic view of the Golden Gate Bridge.

As he walked, he began to get an uneasy feeling. After a few blocks, he sensed the sound of tiny footsteps following him. He turned to see a rat following him.

After another block, two rats.

After another, four.

Block after block, more rats followed him … and began to approach more closely, with their malign intent obvious.

And the statuette was becoming heavier to carry, as if it wanted the tourist to stop and yield to the oncoming rats.

Perspiring with effort, the tourist broke into a run. The rats, now a horde, followed in close pursuit. The tourist, gasping for breath, reached the water’s edge. With his last reserve of strength, he hurled the rat statuette into San Francisco Bay and turned to face his pursuers …

to see the rats follow the statuette, to a watery doom in the cold waters by the Golden Gate.

Shaken and muttering, the tourist slowly returned to the curio store.

“Ah,” smiled the owner. “You have returned. You are ready to pay for the story now?”

The tourist frowned. “The story? No, I don't want that. But I was wondering … Do you have a statuette of a lawyer?”

[Huskyxantia]

Robin hood lay dying on his death bed surrounded by his merry men , a silent weak Robin calls out to little john, Little john ,Little John, fetch my best strongest bow and finest golden tipped arrow, off he goes and returns with Robins request. Robin then draws the bow and utters his last words that very night... Merry men where ever this golden tipped arrow lands you shall lay me to my final rest ,Weakening fast Robin draws his weapon , whoooosh went the arrow... in the morning Robin was buried on top of the wardrobe

[Huskyxantia]

7 dwarfs all in the bath feeling happy

Happy got out , they started feeling grumpy

[mickthemaverick]

Someone's found their 60's comics!!
The one I remember was:
Two flies playing football in a saucer. The chat went like this:
"We'll have to play better than this next week!"
"Why?"
"We're playing in the cup!"

[Huskyxantia]

Little boy hears his dad talking about the rather fit lady across the road that has many men callers and the father comments size of her knockers no wonder so many cars are at her house.

Later that day while at school the little boys class are being asked what they want to be and will get when they are older

Little jenny says a nurse to help folks
Little bill wants to be a fire man to save people
Toby wants to be a vet, blah blah ...
This goes on till its the little boys turn , teachers asks what he wants to be and so on , little boy replys ... i want to be a fit middle aged woman with big knockers then ill have loads of big flash cars out side my house every day of the week

[Huskyxantia]

Someone's found their 60's comics!!
The one I remember was:
Two flies playing football in a saucer. The chat went like this:
"We'll have to play better than this next week!"
"Why?"
"We're playing in the cup!"

need more like this !

[Huskyxantia]

Might get shot for this

Couldnt belive my eyes .. BBC should be ashamed of such a headline.

[Huskyxantia]

So a jumper cable goes into a bar…
And the bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

[mickthemaverick]

Back in the day a bus conductor went upstairs to collect the fares. He found a chap sprinkling white powder all over the seats!
"Hey what's that, what do you think you're doing?" he cried
"It's elephant repellant" came the reply.
"But there are no elephants around here!"
"I know. Good stuff isn't it?"

[Huskyxantia]

Why did Elvis like his steaks cooked rare

Spoiler: show

because he loves meat tender

[Steve Walsh]

Back in the day a bus conductor went upstairs to collect the fares. He found a chap sprinkling white powder all over the seats!
"Hey what's that, what do you think you're doing?" he cried
"It's elephant repellant" came the reply.
"But there are no elephants around here!"
"I know. Good stuff isn't it?"

Made me smile, My dad was telling that joke around 1972