Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

Bought some new loafers

[myglaren]

After Noah let the animals go, from the ark, he noticed that two of the snakes were not breeding. His son made a wooden table from tree trunks, put the snakes on the table, and they immediately started copulating. Noah asked his son knew that would happen. His son responded “Even an adder can multiply on a log table.”

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

Emailed to me:

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says"Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason,

And it scares me."

The Doctor says:

"I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry,

Just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room

Or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor,

Looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says:

"Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband started losing it,

I swished with water. I swished and swished,

And he calmed right down!

How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says:

"The water itself does nothing.

Spoiler: show

It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…"

[Hell Razor5543]

Did you know that each year only really has 46 weeks?

Spoiler: show

This is because the other 6 weeks are Lent!

[Karata]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I have a surprise for you. I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

[mickthemaverick]

Recently delivered to the offices of The Daily Mail:

Spoiler: show

BFTW

[mickthemaverick]

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'
I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

[myglaren]

I had some real experiences with these guys. Please let me tell one of them:

I had been working for a tea processing company as a consultant. I asked them what kind of countermeasures they had taken against rats. They showed me ultrasonic devices that produce sound to remove rats. I checked their effective range, positions on layout, everything was Ok. I did not see any rat for months. Afterwards a HACCP audit was performed. Two rats ran in front of auditors. Auditors asked me why our devices are useless. When I was trying to find a proper answer, plant manager said “Our ultrasonic devices are good but these rats are deaf”!

Auditors did not report the problem..

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

Crowbars don't discriminate; they serve drinks to all of the corvid family!

[Hell Razor5543]

What do you call a row of rabbits all jumping backwards?

Spoiler: show

A receding hare line!

[mickthemaverick]

We definitely need a groan button for this thread!

[myglaren]