Joke I found funny...

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Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a ittle Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)...

(wait for it)...

(Get your best Japanese accent ready)......

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
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Xaccers
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

15 Prince Philip quotes



1. China State Visit, 1986

If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.

2. To a blind women with a guide

“Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?”

3. To an Aborigine in Australia

“Do you still throw spears at each other?”

4. To his wife, the Queen, after her coronation

“Where did you get the hat?”

5. When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union

“The bastards murdered half my family”

6. To a Briton in Budapest

“You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.”

7. To a driving instructor in Scotland

“How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”

8. After the Dunblane shooting

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

9. To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea

“You managed not to get eaten, then?”

10. To Elton John after hearing Elton had sold his Gold Aston Martin

“Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle.”

11. On the London Traffic Debate

“The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion.”

12. To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes

“You look like you’re ready for bed!”

13. Unknown

“If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!”

14. On key problems facing Brazil

“Brazilians live there”

15. To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean

“You have mosquitos. I have the Press”
HDI Dave
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by HDI Dave »

Sorry,not got a joke,boo,hiss [-X :lol:

but this did make me laugh :) :
Xac wrote:Danielle spotted a bumper sticker today:
"Yes, my car is a heap of sh1t, but it's still in front of yours"
I too think this meself!

I was in the Xant the other day,with me boy,(15 year old),behind a Lamborghini convertable.My lad said,corr 8-)

" That'll cost as much as a small house!" I said.

It was a tiny,miniscule (2 seater?) looking thing,can't have been too comfy.. it was peeing it down,all misted up..(leaky hood? at them prices!?!)

"He's still sat in the same traffic as us kid...cost him a fortune,burning more fuel than our old shed :roll: ,(with air con/reeeeeally comfy seats/jukebox/leccy wotsits etc etc etc" I said :wink: )

And another one I always think Xac,when I'm sat behind some flash geezer,spending a weeks worth or more?! of his monthly wage on a tin box..(tell I'm a biker can't you :lol: now a nice bike is worth investing in :wink: :twisted: )

tell your mrs, Danielle:

"Yes, my car is a heap of sh1t, but it's still in front of yours"

AND...





IT'S PAID FOR!


:lol: :P :wink:


(where's t finger smiley? :wink: )

Me dad used to say the same,

"I've not got number plate disease"

He so frikkin did, he had a brand new,(on tick,so we were always skint..flash company car..inverted snob!)

I couldn't care lesser than a less caring person meself..if I like a car I'll keep it,

and at the mo,altho I could afford a..better car?

..think I'll be sticking with me old comfy 'shed' that owes me nowt! :)

p.s, never thought I'd say that about a sh!trun, so don't tell anyone :lol:
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Dave,

I quite agree, there's something very comforting and stress-free about driving around in a shed... It's why I have and love Rattiva II so much :-D

Park her anywhere, do anything with her, carry anything and no worries at all. Best of all with the HDi is the economy :-D :-D :-D By the time she needs filling up I'll need detailed instruction on the use of the that thingmyjig on the forecourt you allegedly use to fill your tank with diesel :-D :-D :-D

Anyway, I digress; nicked this from a friend on FarceBook...

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

:)
addo
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Post by addo »

I had a good cackle at the "Greek philanderer" bit.
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Xaccers
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Xaccers »

Not really a joke, but if you're using firefox/chrome/safari go to google and search for: do a barrel roll

Also try this google link
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Want to hear a joke about potassium?
K.

Know any good jokes about sodium?
Na.
Deanxm
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Deanxm »

Ok not a joke but this has just happened and my brother has been humiliated for good reason, i found it soo funny so please read on.

Some of the more eagle eyed may have spotted the Rover 25 in my signature, well it was bought as a non runner for my brother who recently got shot of his C1, i rebuilt the head, put a new clutch in it, new head gasket and full service with waterpump cam belt tensioners aux belts gearbox oil etc etc, well after finnishing monday night he has been out and about all week without problems until this evening when i recieved a phone call from him.

He had been in town, on a friday at a busy junction when "it just cut out with a loud bang, i tried to start it again but it just banged and wouldnt turn over" so in the middle of a busy town centre him and his mate pushed the car almost 1/4 mile through the highstreet by now being followed by the police to the nearest carpark.

Now i have to admit after this call i was thinking i had done something rather stupid in the cam belt area, he had called my dad who having no tools and in the pitch dark decided it could well be cam belt failure/derailment too so they left the Rover and went to Cowes to collect the car trailer, then back to Newport to load the car on and from there out to my house in Ryde to deliver the discraced car.

well we unloaded the car at half 10 tonight, got it on the drive and i unbolted the cam cover to find a new belt sat very happily where it should be, so putting the car in gear and gingerly rocking it forward revealed the engine turned easily so i climbed into the car and turned the key to be greated by.................the car starting and running perfectly, suddenly all eyes are on my brother :lol:

It would seem after stalling the car and then trying to restart it in gear at the traffic lights to no avail he became convinced something was wrong, pushed a perfectly healthy car through town before trailering it halfway across the island for diagnosis =D> :lol: he will never live it down :lol:

D
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DickieG
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by DickieG »

Nice one Dean, I did have a chuckle :-D
Deanxm
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Deanxm »

Not as much of a chuckle as i did Richard.

D
Trainman
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Trainman »

@GeneHunt

"The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes."

"I'm not saying my girlfriend is fat, but she does make a steady beeping noise when she walks backwards."

"My uncle had 24 hours to live, so drank a bottle of vodka & ate some fireworks. It didn't save him, but the cremation was a hell of a show."
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

heres one a freind sent me

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment..

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q.. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1) Spending it at car boot sales,

or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on

prostitutes,

or

4) Buying beer or whisky, or

5) Get yourself a Tattoo

or
6) Visit a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.



regards malcolm
Deanxm
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Deanxm »

exellent Malcolm.

D
citronut
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by citronut »

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.





The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.





'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.




Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.







'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'





The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'





(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)





'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you "Peeking Duck"


regards malcolm.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Very good Malcolm :-D I enjoyed that immensely :lol: