Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

[Peter.N.]

[Paul-R]

BYOB Report Released

[Steve Walsh]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip.
I’m John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, boys"?
"Off to England next month," says John.
"We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture ..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
Bartender asks: Then why keep going to England ?

Spoiler: show

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

[ALc5exclusive]

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s pop bands.
There is no Cure

[Hell Razor5543]

Have you ever had the perfect moment to use the punchline from a joke? I did recently, and it went down a storm.

I had arrived early at a client to fix an IT problem (well before they opened, to minimise disruption). I had sorted the problem out, and was then doing the paperwork. They were having their morning briefing prior to opening. I was not deliberately listening in, but you cannot switch off your hearing. The manager asked one of her staff how she was getting on with a new app. The reply was that she was having difficulties coming up with a suitable password, as it needed to be eight characters long. Without thinking I made a comment, and the briefing came to an abrupt halt as they all burst into laughter. The manager had a really infectious laugh, and whenever the laughter died down she would see somebody giggling and then set them all off again. It took five minutes for the meeting to get re-started, and when I left, 15 minutes later, they were all still grinning and giggling.

My comment?

Spoiler: show

"Why not use Snow White and the Seven Dwarves; that's eight characters?"

[myglaren]

I thought I should let all my friends know (probably easier on this group) that I am in hospital and will probably be in for a while.

I accidentally poisoned myself, preparing a large pot of stew and used what I thought was shallots. Unfortunately, it turns out that they were in fact daffodil bulbs.

Doctor has just informed me that I should be out by the Spring.

[mickthemaverick]

Mr Putin was invited to a Moscow school to talk to the children about Russia and its history. After an hour's talk he said " OK has anyone got any questions?"

Little Sacha put her hand up and said
" I have two questions, Why did we fight at the Crimea? and why are we threatening war with Ukraine?"

At that very moment the lunch bell rang and the students filed out for lunch.

An hour later the class reassembled and Mr Putin said " We have a little more time for questions, anyone?"

Micha put her hand up and said, "I have four questions, Why did we fight at the Crimea?, why are we threatening war with Ukraine? and

Spoiler: show

Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early
and what the f*** has happened to Sacha?"

[Hell Razor5543]

Police and the RSPCA were called as apparently Reading FC was placing football with a hedgehog.

Spoiler: show

When they arrived they found that the hedgehog was 2 - 1 up!

[mickthemaverick]

I caught my wife throwing a little blue tablet in the washing machine's rinse fluid compartment. I challenged her and she said it saved her ironing my collars and cuffs!!

[myglaren]

[Jan135]

A turtle walkes into the bar and asks the bartender for a cocktail. Bartender answers "We don't serve turtles" and carries it outside. After a week turtle comes back and asks "Why did you do this?"

[Steve Walsh]