Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter.
"No." says the doctor,

Spoiler: show

"She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p**s in your face……

[Steve Walsh]

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied,

Spoiler: show

'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[Steve Walsh]

Two women were playing golf. One tee’d off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me’, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied:

Spoiler: show

‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken! ??

[Steve Walsh]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Tesco and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says. .

Spoiler: show

''I was in the queue behind you in Tescos''

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Tesco and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says. .

Spoiler: show

''I was in the queue behind you in Tescos''

Erm, you told that joke about three months ago, but then the old man was in McDonalds!

[myglaren]

Erm, you told that joke about three months ago, but then the old man was in McDonalds!

He still gets around a lot

[mickthemaverick]

[

Erm, you told that joke about three months ago, but then the old man was in McDonalds!

Glad you spotted that James, I knew I'd heard it before but I couldn't think where!!

[Steve Walsh]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Tesco and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says. .

Spoiler: show

''I was in the queue behind you in Tescos''

Erm, you told that joke about three months ago, but then the old man was in McDonalds!

It is my age, I can't remember what I had for breakfast !

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

Not a joke as such but it certainly had me laughing!!

[myglaren]

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career.
On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.

The letter read,
“Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366. Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as £68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Army Paymaster”

Col Maclaren replied;
“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month. I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be £68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”

A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col Maclaren’s letter box, it read:

“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month. We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed £6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
However,
We also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton)
The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland)
The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War)
The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade)
The Boer War (1899 -1902).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannon
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted)
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
WE have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to £6,427,518.119.47p. WE have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of £68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.

[Huskyxantia]

Saw this today

[Gibbo2286]

The Elawi a tribe of pigmies living in the tall grass country, spend all their days jumping up and down shouting "We're the Elawi."

[Peter.N.]