Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

[myglaren]

[GiveMeABreak]

Just watched the latest Bond movie...

Now we know why Daniel Craig has got grey hair in the film...

...No Time to Dye

[Karata]

My girlfriend got vaccinated yesterday.
Now she won't hold any air.

[myglaren]

[Steve Walsh]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his "thingie" through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

Spoiler: show

The little old lady responded, "Not everybody pays."

[Hell Razor5543]

Apparently Charles Dickens was a journalist before he became an author. There were two newspapers he really enjoyed working for.

Spoiler: show

It was the Bicester Times; it was the Worcester Times.

[Peter.N.]

Peter

[myglaren]

If a man makes a comment deep in a forest and there are no women to hear him, is he still wrong?

[Steve Walsh]

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come".
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"


And the Indian replies,

Spoiler: show

"Ear sticky"

[Steve Walsh]

Twas the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole bloody works.
…I’ve busted my arse for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
That arsehole the tax man, sent me a letter
He claims I owe taxes – now I find that so funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little s**t
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat arse and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde...and off to Bali for the season!

[Paul-R]

Preliminary check of the shutter mechanism on the James Webb telescope is a success.

[daviemck2006]

NOTICE OF MY INTENTION TO LEAVE THE GROUP!
It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this page, I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me. I am disappointed in several members....
Okay... So I like dressing-up in rubber clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular liking for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but group sex with dwarfs, and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter... And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through my local park wearing crotchless fluffy underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...
Oh s**t ! Wrong group!
Please ignore all of the above.
Happy New Year hopefully 2022 will have a few more occasions and opportunities for laughter! —

[Dormouse]

Look out for frostbite!
Have a Happy New Year.

[Steve Walsh]

Disaster at a soft drinks plant this morning, 10,000 liters of Lemonade spilt.

Spoiler: show

Apparently 500 staff were Schwepped away.