Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

In the spirit of Wimbledon fortnight I bought a punnet of strawberries and looked to the internet for the best way to serve them.
It suggested that I halve the strawberries, dust with icing sugar, and pile cream on top.


A word to the wise - pile cream tastes disgusting.

[Steve Walsh]

[NewcastleFalcon]

^^^^^ Quality Steve

Regards Neil

[Steve Walsh]

A priest sits beside a drunk who, with difficulty, is reading the newspaper.
Suddenly, with a 'slurry' voice, the drunk asks the priest:
- Do you know what arthritis is?
The priest immediately thinks of taking the opportunity to give a sermon to the drunk and responds:
- It is a disease caused by a sinful life without rules: excessive consumption of alcohol, certainly lost women, promiscuity, sex, partying, and other things I dare not say...
The drunk opened his eyes and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later, the priest, thinking he had been too hard on the drunk, tries to soften:
- How long have you had arthritis?

Spoiler: show

- Me???... oh, I don't have arthritis!... The newspaper says that the Pope does!

[Karata]

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day.

"I just can’t get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island life is fantastic!"

The local says, "I know what you mean! Take me for instance. When I came here I was totally bald, didn't have any teeth and I couldn't even walk... and look at me now!"

The tourist looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How long have you been here?"

And the local says, "Oh, I was born here."

[myglaren]

[Karata]

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says. - "What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "What about an Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," the lady replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked you for - an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

[Gibbo2286]

Two athletics coaches bragging about their girls.
"My girl can clear five foot at the high jump.",
"That's nothing my girl can clear six hurdles on the track"
"Blimey, that's stretching it a bit!"

[Steve Walsh]

The Pope is on a stage handing out miracles to sick children. Billy walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?" The pope says "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now". Billy says

Spoiler: show

"I don't know, it's not till next Wednesday".

[Karata]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"Well... This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Bexfield."

[myglaren]

What a day!!
I was following an ambulance down University Avenue when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned left too quickly, the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.
.
Call me curious or just a Good Samaritan — I had to pull over and retrieve it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops!!!! That’s a serious mistake, I thought. Unsure if the ambulance was going to University Hospital or the VA, I called the 911 and explained what I had found. The dispatcher said “Yes, the ambulance just arrived — minus the box.” I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it? The woman replied “No, we’ll just send a toe truck.”

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

[Gibbo2286]

That's funny but I've wondered if, like my robot vacuum cleaner, the car will automatically take me to the charger base when the battery's low.

[mickthemaverick]

Not a joke as such but when I related this tale to my friend yesterday he laughed a lot so I thought it might be worth posting here!

Many years ago when I was married my then wife was forever trying to get the kids to clear up after themselves. Her favourite saying was "When you have finished with something put it back where you found it!" At the age of 6 my daughter finally cured her of shouting that, when she put her used teabag back in the tea caddy !