Joke I found funny...

[white exec]

They have to be joking . . .
This was an on-screen pop-up while doing a Ookla speedtest yesterday:

What were Mister Auto thinking??

[Gibbo2286]

They have to be joking . . .
This was an on-screen pop-up while doing a Ookla speedtest yesterday:


What were Mister Auto thinking??

Adding BMW to any advert multiplies the price exponentially.

[Steve Walsh]

Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Paddy turns to Mary and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mary exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," says Paddy, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mary, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mary would hold Paddy's thingie.
Then one night Paddy didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mary decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Paddy's's little pal!
Furious, Mary yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Spoiler: show

Old Paddy smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"......................

[Paul-R]

[white exec]

Brilliant!

[myglaren]

[Gibbo2286]

Got this forwarded from a neighbour it's probably quite old.
Windows vs. Ford.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) : Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start'button to turn the engine off.


PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[Karata]

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Jerry Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Jerry Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Jerry Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. That's cool.

Jerry Sue's father asks Harold what they are planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Jerry Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Jerry Sue's father, "We know Jerry Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Jerry Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Jerry Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"Dammit Daddy! The Twist, it's called the Twist"

[myglaren]

I'm applying for a job at Citroen, I have to send 2CVs in

[mickthemaverick]

If you get the job Steve and have to move to France will you need a Visa?

[myglaren]

Had one, expired though

Bought it from a scrapyard when the BX went west. Thought it was an AX until i did the V5.

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

I'm applying for a job at Citroen, I have to send 2CVs in

I bet there was one question you didn't want them to ask;

Spoiler: show

"What does SM mean to you?"

[Hell Razor5543]

What goes in hard and stiff, and comes out wet and sticky?

Spoiler: show

Chewing gum

Spoiler: show

I use this joke to wind up prudes. It REALLY embarrasses them!

[mickthemaverick]

In a similar vein I use this one:

What's long and thin,
Covered in skin.
Red in parts.
And goes in tarts?

Spoiler: show

Rhubarb