Joke I found funny...

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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man. Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father? "One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
admiral51
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by admiral51 »

A working-class man who has been going steady with his upper class girlfriend for about a month is asked to have dinner with the girlfriends parents. They live in this huge mansion house in the country with servants and butlers etc, and everything is very very posh. Before dinner, he and his girlfriends parents are sitting in the drawing room, indulging in a bit of idle light hearted chat before dinner, and everyone is laughing at his jokes and he is rather pleased with himself.

So, the time comes for dinner, and they are all sitting around this huge dinner table enjoying a 9-course banquet. But about two-thirds through the meal the guy has *really* got to fart. He asks to be excused to go to the bathroom, and asks for instructions on how to get there, and they give him a load of directions, and by the time he has spent around 5 minutes walking around corridors he is busting for a fart. He spots a window in the hallway he is in, and a split second thought crosses his mind. He runs over to the window, opens it, pokes his butt through the hole and lets out a massive earth rumbling wiffy fart. He closes the window and makes his way back to the dinner table rather pleased with his little idea (not to mention his farting prowess).

When he returns, the three others are eating in silence. He slips into his seat opposite his girlfriend, leans over and says "This is all going rather well, isn't it?"

Turning to him with a stern face his girlfriend uttered, "Everything was going fine, until you farted through the serving hatch!"
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Whilst Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so...

Now that I'm older, here's what I have discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the lampost.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. Have I posted this on here before... or did I read it on here?

#-o #-o :-D
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Some little green aliens land on Earth, near to Fulham Football Club. The first person they meet is Richard Osman. Their spokesperson says "Take me to a ladder; I'll see your leader later!".
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

mickthemaverick wrote:
31 Jan 2021, 20:58
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
So true :lol:
admiral51
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by admiral51 »

Apologies if this has been posted before .

Technological Advances

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and shortly after published an article in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

Just one week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*ck all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Makes one proud to be British, doesn't it :rofl2:
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Not really a joke but reputedly a true story with an amusing lilt prompted by Colin's Joke:

Back in the mid 20th Century the USA and Britain were engaged in a race to produce the thinnest fibre for fibre optic data transmission. The institutes concerned were the physics department at either Yale or Harvard, I'm not sure which, and the BT Research Labs at Martlesham Heath having relocated there from Dollis Hill. Again I cannot be sure of actual dates but the story goes that the Americans had a major breakthrough and sent a sample of their new ultra narrow fibre rod smirkingly to Martlesham for examination. The engineers at Martlesham drilled a hole through its length turning it into a pipe and sent it back!! :-D
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

This is also supposed to be a true story, recounted by Gerald Cardew (who, among other things, developed the Sportsmatch GC2 air rifle). He helped develop an air gun that could fire large birds (chickens, geese, turkeys, and so on) at high speed (I think it was 200MPH+). This gun was used to test aircraft components for bird strikes. An aircraft maker in the USA obtained one, but complained that it seemed to be far too powerful, and was destroying everything it was aimed at. Gerald Cardew went over to see what was wrong, and came to a simple diagnosis; "Try using fresh birds, not frozen ones".
Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

I heard Mick's story back in the 1950s but it was then about a Birmingham tube manufacturer. :)
Steve Walsh
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husbands point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

LOL. Nicked it!
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

😂😂 Magic!
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white exec
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by white exec »

Wonderful!! Must say, when we do jokes, we do 'em well. :gh:
Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

Chatting on the phone to my 84 year old friend this morning I recited that off to her, she was so impressed she asked me to print off a few copies for her mates. :-D
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

My mother told a joke.

She was a proper, churchgoing lady who did horrible things (child abuse) but never, ever said a swear word.

All of us kids were adults. I don’t remember which holiday it was. We were gathered around the table when she started to tell a joke. She seldom, if ever, told jokes.

It was about an oversexed hawk, looking for *ahem*. It first found a dove, swooped down, grabbed the dove and into the bushes. The bushes shook and quaked, and finally the dove came out and said, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved.”

But the hawk wanted more. Next it found a lark. Down into the bushes, shaking and quaking, and the bird emerged, saying “I’m a lark and I’ve been sparked.”

But the hawk still wasn’t satisfied. Next he found a duck.

At this point in the story, the air in the room became electric. We began to look around at each other, mouths agape. We couldn’t believe that Gramma was going to say the obvious punchline. This is the “jaw drop” part of this story.

Tension mounted as she described the crashing and thrashing in the bushes. Finally, the hawk emerges with most of his feathers missing and a black eye.

“I’m a drake and you made a mistake.”

The laughter was loud, and uproarious. Mostly in relief that Gramma didn’t say THAT word.