Joke I found funny...

[bobins]

We used to have a saying at work : "That's good enough for government work".

[Steve Walsh]

Fresh from her shower, she stood in front of the mirror, complaining to me that her boobs are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.

"If you want your boobs to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her boobs.

How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs every day will make my boobs larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I said: ''It Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

I am still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again.

[Steve Walsh]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line-up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

Spoiler: show

He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.

[myglaren]

Going to the shops. Anyone want anything?

[Hell Razor5543]

Ah, you have met my brother Lee, with his survivalist equipment then?

[Steve Walsh]

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

Spoiler: show

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Hell Razor5543]

What do you get if you cross Donald J Trump with a gorilla?

Spoiler: show

It will never happen. There are some things even a gorilla will not do.

[myglaren]

[Paul-R]

Print it out and tick them off.

[Hell Razor5543]

Have you heard that Vladimir Putin has just told the The Bank of Moscow to launch a new credit card. It is meant to be Russia's equivalent of The American Express Card. It even has a similar slogan;

Spoiler: show

"American Express Card; Don't leave home without it."

"Russian Express Card; Don't leave home."

[myglaren]

[CitroJim]

^^^ Loving the cartoon, very clever

[white exec]

It's snowing really hard now.
All the wife's done is to gaze through the window.
If it comes down any harder, I'll have to let her in.

[Huskyxantia]

Took my wife out for a special meal a while back was given the chef's special which was suggested by the waiter, octopus!

Four hours after ordering it finally arrived at the table , the waiter said so sorry its taken so long it kept turning the gas off

[Steve Walsh]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the path.
Noticing this, a copper stops her, and says, " excuse me, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag." "Oh, really? Bloody hell" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the copper "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car park. On match days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my beautiful flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some bloke sticks his Nudger through the fence, I say, '£20 or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair." laughs the copper. "OK? Good Luck!"
"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''

Spoiler: show

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everyone pays"