Joke I found funny...

[CitroJim]

Mick,

[Huskyxantia]

Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive.

[Huskyxantia]

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.
And spent the night in a dry cell.

And I'll say goodnight ......

[Huskyxantia]

one day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. she picks it up "Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby." Sally says, “No, shes upstairs with Uncle john” “Uncle john? i don’t know an Uncle John.” “no, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy” “no i’m sure there’s no one named Uncle John in our family.” “Okay, but why did you call?” Says Sally. “Ummm no reason, just tell mommy that daddy’s pulling into the driveway right now.” “Okay daddy!”

long pause

"Okay daddy! I did it!’ “Great job Sally! What did she says?”

“Mommy said OH FU… and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. shes now resting it looks like… then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter…”

then dad replies “Swimming pool? we dont have a…is this 468-1843?”

[mickthemaverick]

There was a major bank robbery in Milton Keynes on Boxing Day and now many parts are under flood water!

[Huskyxantia]

There was a major bank robbery in Milton Keynes on Boxing Day and now many parts are under flood water!

Very clever like this

[Huskyxantia]

A very old friend told me this years ago.

A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.
She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.


"Can I help you?" She asks.


The man smiles and says "Its me, your new husband!"


"You must be joking..." The woman laughs.


"Well think about it," he says. "I have no arms so i cannot beat you. I have no legs so i cant walk all over you."


The woman's eyes narrow and she asks "Are you still good in bed?"


The man leans back in his chair and smiles. "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[NewcastleFalcon]

An engineer goes to the doctor’s complaining of hearing problems.

“Can you describe the symptoms for me please?” asks the doctor.

“Sure,” says the engineer. “It’s all about a safety inspector at a nuclear power plant whose wife has blue hair.”

Regards Neil

See Victoria Coren Mitchell used that one at the end of Only Connect tonight

[mickthemaverick]

That one didn't click immediately cos I didn't know that Homer was a safety inspector now, not seen it for years!!

[myglaren]

It went right over my head until you said Homer.
Not anything I watch but the kids have had it on in the past.

[CitroJim]

The Simpsons were great in their early days but they seem to have lost the plot somewhat in recent years. Recent episodes I've seen have been a little disappointing...

My kids grew up with it and many early episodes hold very happy memories

[NewcastleFalcon]

An engineering graduate reports for his first day of work at the local car manufacturing plant.

The manager greets him with a handshake, gives him a broom, and says: “Your first job is to sweep the floor in the storeroom.”

Clearly taken aback, the graduate replies indignantly: “But I read engineering at Oxford University!”

Spoiler: show

“Now, that I didn’t know,” says the manager. “Give me the broom back… I’ll show you how it works.”

Regards Neil

[white exec]

Wonderful!

[NewcastleFalcon]

..and in a similar vein

Lecturer at a University to an automotive engineering student:

“Could you do me a favour? I’ve just had the indicator lights on my car repaired and I need an expert to tell me if they’re working properly”.

The student goes to the front of the car, bends down to inspect the lights, considers the situation for a moment and says:

Spoiler: show

“Yes, they are. No, they’re not. Yes, they are.”

Regards Neil

[myglaren]