Joke I found funny...

[Huskyxantia]

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

[myglaren]

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

[Huskyxantia]

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Hahaha.. Love it
Are these bars open now or still in lockdown hahaha...

[Huskyxantia]

Sorry ... Had to post this.

A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

[mickthemaverick]

I don't see why but that reminded me of the lady whose car broke down. She was standing looking into the bonnet with a despairing face when a chap pulled up beside her. "Oh thank goodness you stopped " said the maiden " can you help?"
"I'm afraid I don't know anything about engines," he replied "I'm a chiropodist!"
She beamed

Spoiler: show

"Then you can give me a tow!!"

[doctle]

So I finally finished my prototype time machine and took it for a spin to London in the 1880's. I met Karl Marx and told him I was from the future and told him about the wonderful things we had now and all the instant foods and drinks we had. He asked me to bring him some instant Tetlys tea if I came back. I told him the finest proper tea was available to everyone and the instant stuff wasn't great but he insisted saying

Spoiler: show

Proper tea is theft

[NewcastleFalcon]

Originally a Pickled Egg Quiz Question but very nearly a joke

Cheers magazine has a quiz every month otherwise known as "The Dirty Dozen". Very informative, some easy/interesting/surprising in the 12 Questions.

I did like the answer to this one. Three are pretty easy to find, but the 4th may surprise a few of you.

Name four F1 racing drivers with names linked to places in Scotland

Spoiler: show

Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton, Stirling Moss and Ayr Town Centre

Regards Neil

[mickthemaverick]

That reminds me of the three professional footballers named after flowers?

Spoiler: show

Dennis Violet, Danny Rose and Ted MacDougall!!

[NewcastleFalcon]

I remember Ted, I think I still have a programme from a Bournemouth match in the early 70's which we went to. I expect Ted would be playing for them then. Next time I come across it I'll look for his name! I think Malcolm MacDonald wanted to go one better than Ted's 9, and the headlines in the local paper before the notorious Hereford FA cup game were "SuperMac....I'll score ten"......didn't turn out quite like he imagined.


Regards Neil

[ksanturion10]

Inspire The Next... they say... it resembles more like Expire The Next...

[mickthemaverick]

A chap went on a stag do to Vladivostok and had a great time. In the evening the party ended up in a strip club which soon degenerated into a brothel. He had a wild night and eventually went back to bed in his hotel. The next morning when he awoke he felt a severe itching in the nether region and after trying thorough washing, scrubbing and creaming it was no better, so he decided he should visit the local doctor to have it checked out. He hailed a taxi and asked for the nearest doctor and the cabby, being quite worldly wise, asked if he had had a good time the night before. When he confirmed that he had, the cabby said he would take him to a place he knew where he could get sorted. He sat back and relaxed to enjoy the ride and was soon standing outside the clinic. He knocked and went into the waiting room. He explained his situation and was asked to take a seat. After 10 minutes had gone by the receptionist called him over and directed him to the last door on the right down the corridor next to the fire exit. He walked down the corridor and approached the door when suddenly he panicked, darted to his left and crashed through the fire exit door back into the street and away to the airport.... what had caused this frenzy you ask? Well he got to the door and read the brass name label:

Spoiler: show

Eva Bolerkoff

[Huskyxantia]

Did you hear the one about the bloke who couldn't come.

He sent his brother instead.... Sorry..

[CitroJim]

at both of those

[Huskyxantia]

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear

[Huskyxantia]

So ...

Heres a little story...


A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"
Thank you and Good night