Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Mick, I just had to click the spoiler....

:lol:
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

A Liverpudlian is going to the pub when he bumps into a friend of his. This friend is always in trouble for petty pilfering and other misdemeanours. This friend says "I have managed a big score. I have nicked a couple of pictures. One is worth £1,500,000 and the other is £1,900,000. Wanna see 'em?". "Sure, why not?" is the reply. They go to his car, and he pops open the boot. The Liverpudlian looks at the pictures for a moment, turns to his friend and says;
Spoiler: show
"You bloody fool, you broke into an estate agent!"
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

Hell Razor5543 wrote:
10 Nov 2020, 21:54

James's Scouse joke...
Good one James :lol:
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by admiral51 »

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labour Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Huskyxantia »

A fella falls out of a pub late one night blind drunk & falls flat on his face then realizes he's 6 miles from home and missed the last bus when all of a sudden a car (ford).... Hu hummm.. Stops right beside him with no one inside , he gets up off the ground gets in the car and it starts moving ... Good lord thinks the drunk and steer's the car 6 miles back to his home , he pulls up on his own drive way walks around the car to find a chap laying flat on his back puffing like an old steam train on the ground behind the car , he then says don't what ever you do don't get in that car there's something wrong with it , the chap gasping for breath replys back yes don't i flipping well know it I've been pushing the pile of crap for miles....
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

^^ :lol: Sums it up nicely Steve!
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Huskyxantia
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Huskyxantia »

Boy walks in to his local pharmacy
He asks the druggist for a 1 pound, 3 pound, and 5 pound box of chocolate, and asks if he could gift wrap each one of them separately.

The druggist complies, but asks the boy why he wants 3 separate boxes, instead of just one?

The boy replies, “Well, you see. I’ve got a really hot date tonight, and I’m going to give her the 1 pound box no matter what. But if she lets me hold her hand I’ll give her the 3 pound box, and if she lets me kiss her, I’ll give her the 5 pound box!”

The druggist accepts his answer and proceeds to wrap the chocolates for the boy.

Later that night, the boy shows up at the girls house to pick her up for the date, but he is a bit early. He rings the doorbell anyways and his date greets him.

She says, “Well, the movie doesn’t start for a bit, so why don’t you come have dinner with us?”

The boy agrees, meets the family, and sits down at the table.

Before they start eating, he asks if he can say grace. The family agrees and he begins to pray. He prays and prays and prays, eventually the family wonders if he is ever going to finish. Finally, he says, “Amen.”

The girl says, “Wow! I didn’t know you were so spiritual!”

And the boy replies, “I didn’t know your dad was the local druggist
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

One day the First Mate on a freighter received some very good news (during his shift), and decided to celebrate. He got very drunk, but fortunately (as the vessel was a long way from anything else) no harm came to him or the vessel. Unfortunately for him the Captain recorded in the log "Today the First Mate was drunk". The First Mate asked the Captain if this could be struck from the log, saying that this would reflect badly upon his record. The Captain said that that this could not be done without a very good reason. The First Mate explained that his wife had called to let him know that she had given birth to their first son (after years of trying and heartbreak of miscarriages), and he just had to celebrate. The Captain congratulated the First Mate, but said that this was not a good enough reason to strike the record from the log, and that was an end of it.

Anyway, the next time the Captain comes on his shift he checks the log to see if the First Mate had tried to change the log, to find that the entry in question was as it had been written. Satisfied that the First Mate had not tampered with the record he then turned to the most recent entry. Apparently there was nothing of interest, until he got to the final line.
Spoiler: show
"Today the Captain was sober".
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 21 Nov 2020, 11:47, edited 1 time in total.
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Huskyxantia
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Huskyxantia »

Hahahaha.....like it.
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

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Huskyxantia
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Huskyxantia »

Wife brought me something that makes my eyes light up.


A new tourch, she shines it into my right ear .........
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by doctle »

I remember the first time the mother in law came to visit. I said "welcome, my house is your house". She replied "get off my property"
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

Les Dawson lives!
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Huskyxantia
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Huskyxantia »

“It turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.”