Joke I found funny...

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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Yes, missed that somehow.
crapday69
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “(-expletive removed-) it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »


The Satnav – A poem attributed to Pam Ayres

I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

Statistically speaking, 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, lying between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

A young woman in London has trouble finding sexual satisfaction.
She confides in one of her friends who tells her to drive up to the Cambridgeshire Fens & find a tractor driver because they are big, strong & have ways of giving a lady the ultimate sexual experience.
Intrigued & excited, she drives up to the Fens. As she is going along a country road she sees a tractor ploughing a field. She stops and watches. As the tractor reaches the end of the field, the tractor driver gets out of the cab. He is tall & athletic & very handsome.
As she watches, the driver kicks the tyres of the tractor which all explode. He unhooks the plough & throws it over into the next field. He then gets hold of the tractor & tips it over onto it’s roof, using only his bare hands. Hardly able to control herself at the thought of being with this superman, the young woman gets out of her car & shouts over to the tractor driver, “Hey, I want f**cking!”

The tractor driver shouts back, “So do I, I’ve just ploughed the wrong field”
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

I've just been told that Jowett made the Javelin in three spec levels: the SE. the E and the E by Gum!!
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Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

One day a man is walking on the beach when he sees a brassy object in the sand. Digging it out he finds he has got an old oil lamp. Upon rubbing it clean a Genie appears. "Thank you for rubbing my lamp and letting me out", the Genie says "I have been in there for over 1,000 years. I can grant you one wish".

"One wish?" asks the man, "Traditionally it is meant to be three wishes".

"I did say I was stuck in there for over 1,000 years. I am so cramped up you can consider yourself lucky I can manage one wish" responds the Genie.

The man considers for a few minutes, and then says "I get airsick and cannot travel in aircraft of any sort. My wife gets seasick and even watching any water related films makes her feel ill. We both have family in the Americas, but we cannot get to visit them. Could you make a bridge across the Atlantic Ocean?".

The Genie thinks about it, and then replies "That is a very difficult undertaking. I would have to make it strong enough to handle any weather conditions, high enough to let any vessel sail underneath, have sound generators on each pier so submarines, whales and other marine life don't bump into them, and regular service locations so the people can fill up their vehicles, eat and rest (as it will take days to traverse the bridge). Could you come up with another wish, please?".

The man then says "OK, well, I have always wanted to understand how a woman's mind works.".
Spoiler: show
The Genie sits down, scratches his head, and replies "This is going to be very difficult indeed. How many lanes should this bridge have?".
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. 2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patients. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Gibbo2286
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

Two athletics coaches bragging about their girls.

1st man "My girl can run a hundred yards hurdle in 12 seconds."

2nd man "My girl can clear six hurdles at once."

1st man "Blimey, that's stretching it a bit."
Peter.N.
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Peter.N. »

:-D :-D
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

President Trump woke up on Christmas morning and went straight to the Oval office. He threw open the curtains and was enraged at the site that greeted him. Written in the snow, in a particularly neat and beautiful script, were the words “Trump is a dipstick!”

Seething with rage he grabbed the phone and summoned his head of security to the office immediately. When he ran breathlessly into the office a few minutes later, the president took him to the window and showed him the inscription.

“I want the FBI forensic boys on that within the hour!! I want to know who did it and then I want it erased completely. Report back to me with the answer before lunch!”

“Yes Sir” replied the security officer and hurried off to arrange the President’s instructions.

At a few minutes after noon the Head of Security returned to the Oval office where he found the President sitting at the window admiring the freshly cleared lawns.

“So” said the President, “What news have you for me?”

“Well sir I’m afraid I have some bad news, some very bad news and some very very bad news.”

“Then break me in gently with the bad news first” responded the President.

“I’m very sorry to have to tell you that the writing was done by melting the snow with urine Sir”

“Bloody hell” yelled the President “How dare anybody pee on my lawn? So what’s the very bad news then?”

“The FBI’s forensic team have identified the urine as being that of the Vice President Sir.”

“What?” the President screamed “That’s preposterous, how dare he? After all I’ve done for him, summon him at once and he’ll be on his way to Cuba by teatime! – oh, and what on earth can the very very bad news be? Nothing could be worse than that treachery!”

“Well Sir I’m afraid to have to tell you that:
Spoiler: show
It was done in The First Lady’s handwriting!”
andy5
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by andy5 »

Can't figure out how to copy picture from WhatsApp, so just a written version:

Police officer at car door, asking driver -

Have you been drinking?

Yes, but I was just checking if I'm too drunk to drive
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

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