Joke I found funny...

This is the place for posts that don't fit into any other category.

Moderator: RichardW

crapday69
Donor 2017
Posts: 278
Joined: 31 Oct 2017, 16:52
x 55

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Peter.N. wrote:
21 Apr 2020, 15:09
Yes I remember those, I think I have watched most of his material over a period of time.

Another one, not his though - I don't think.

"A thief has stolen all the road signs from the M6 - Police are looking for Leeds".

Peter
A big hole has appeared in the middle of Glasgow. Police are looking into it. Groan.
crapday69
Donor 2017
Posts: 278
Joined: 31 Oct 2017, 16:52
x 55

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

mickthemaverick wrote:
20 Apr 2020, 14:50
Consternation ran through the neighbourhood today in Hertford when a man, believed to be a member of the FCF, was found digging a six foot hole in his garden. Police are looking into it! :shock:
I really should go back and read the jokes before posting mine. :rofl2:
User avatar
myglaren
Forum Admin Team
Posts: 20194
Joined: 02 Mar 2008, 14:30
x 1633

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

FB_IMG_1587505119672.jpg
User avatar
mickthemaverick
Donor 2021
Posts: 7062
Joined: 11 May 2019, 17:56
x 1981

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

The Bank of England have announced that the drain on Britain's gold reserves has finally stopped!! They've all gone!!!
User avatar
mickthemaverick
Donor 2021
Posts: 7062
Joined: 11 May 2019, 17:56
x 1981

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

A man was hit by a train at a level crossing in Peterborough last night, The locomotive cleanly severed his left arm and his left leg. He was rushed to hospital where doctors advised that he is all right now!!!
crapday69
Donor 2017
Posts: 278
Joined: 31 Oct 2017, 16:52
x 55

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

mickthemaverick wrote:
22 Apr 2020, 15:08
A man was hit by a train at a level crossing in Peterborough last night, The locomotive cleanly severed his left arm and his left leg. He was rushed to hospital where doctors advised that he is all right now!!!
was his other arm and leg left at the scene.
User avatar
myglaren
Forum Admin Team
Posts: 20194
Joined: 02 Mar 2008, 14:30
x 1633

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

Boris:
He was in the habit of not listening. I discovered on close scrutiny the reason for this was because hidden in the mop of his blond hair so that few noticed, he sported AirPods. You’d ask him something, repeat it several times, then he’d grunt “eeh,” then pull out a pod and give you his signature twinkle of the eyes and you never knew if he’s actually heard you or not.

This got on my goat after a while and one time, as he turned to leave, I reached up and caught the wire that connected the two pods. Out they came.

He spun around and looked at me in horror and disbelief, then glanced desperately around the room as if trying to find something. Finally, he started to turn blue.

Next, he collapsed on the floor!

Not knowing what to do, I knelt down and checked his heart, which was beating wildly, then picked up one of the AirPods and had a quick listen.

What I heard was “breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”
Gibbo2286
Donor 2020
Posts: 5374
Joined: 08 Jun 2011, 18:04
x 1183

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Gibbo2286 »

Hear about the guy who thumped the doctor for saying his wife had acute angina.
crapday69
Donor 2017
Posts: 278
Joined: 31 Oct 2017, 16:52
x 55

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by crapday69 »

Gibbo2286 wrote:
23 Apr 2020, 21:29
Hear about the guy who thumped the doctor for saying his wife had acute angina.
My mate came into work all suited and booted and I asked him why, he told me his doctoer told him he was very impotent.
User avatar
mickthemaverick
Donor 2021
Posts: 7062
Joined: 11 May 2019, 17:56
x 1981

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

My doctor gave me some pills for my piles, I took them for a fortnight with no improvement at all...might as well have shoved them up my a**e!!
User avatar
moizeau
Donor 2020
Posts: 1126
Joined: 12 Jan 2015, 17:08
x 156

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by moizeau »

crapday69 wrote:
23 Apr 2020, 21:31
Gibbo2286 wrote:
23 Apr 2020, 21:29
Hear about the guy who thumped the doctor for saying his wife had acute angina.
My mate came into work all suited and booted and I asked him why, he told me his doctoer told him he was very impotent.
Was he the mayor of Dudlee?
User avatar
mickthemaverick
Donor 2021
Posts: 7062
Joined: 11 May 2019, 17:56
x 1981

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

A newly qualified naval cadet was off on his first voyage to sea. He boarded his ship and went to take his gear to his dormitory when he was stopped by a leading hand. "Is that a guitar you've got there?" he asked."Indeed it is" replied the cadet, "can I play it on deck?"
"Well" said the hand "I'm not in a position to answer that, you'll have to ask the bosun,"
The cadet sought out the bosun and asked "Can I play my guitar on deck?" "Well" said the bosun "It doesn't bother me, but you'll have to ask the Deck Officer,"
The cadet found the Deck Officer and asked "Can I play my guitar on deck Sir?" "Well" said the Deck Officer "I can only speak for my deck, so you'll have to ask the Officer of the Day,
The cadet hunted out the Officer of the Day and asked "Can I play my guitar on deck please Sir?" "Well" said the Officer of the Day "I can only speak for my watch, so you'll have to ask the First Lieutenant,"
Determined not to give up the cadet requested an interview with the First Lieutenant and arrived right on time. "Can I play my guitar on deck please Sir?" he asked. "Hmm" said the First Lieutenant. "This is always a politically risky one for me to answer. I think you should ask The Captain. Dismissed"
Still undeterred the cadet applied for an appointment with the Captain and arrived a few minutes early. "Sir I seek your permission to play my guitar on deck" he said, and waited for the Captain to decide. After a few minutes of pondering and chin scratching the Captain addressed him: "Young man, I am always keen for my Officers and men to develop their skills and talents while under my command. However I have to consider all party's interests in my decision making and consequently I often have to make compromises in my decisions. So, in your case I will allow you to play your guitar on deck, but only after you hear the order:
Spoiler: show
Dive Dive Dive"
lexi
Donor 2020
Posts: 2808
Joined: 17 Apr 2008, 17:51
x 120

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by lexi »

A man is in hospital with Covid 19. As the nurse passes his bed he says" Nurse, are my testicles black?" She ignores him. The call comes again Nurse are my testicles black? She thinks this is going to go on all night. She puts her hand down and has a grope around checking and feeling everything. "It all looks fine to me " she says. The man sits up a bit in bed and removes his mask. " Nurse, that was very nice indeed! Now listen carefully and for the last time.



















Are my test results back?
User avatar
myglaren
Forum Admin Team
Posts: 20194
Joined: 02 Mar 2008, 14:30
x 1633

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

A man is in his garden enjoying a cup of tea when he notices his seven-year-old neighbour digging in her garden.

’’Hello, love. What you doin’ there then?”

“I’m burying my goldfish.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. Still, it’s only a goldfish isn’t I s’ppose. But why are digging such a big hole?”

“Because it’s inside your effing cat.”
User avatar
mickthemaverick
Donor 2021
Posts: 7062
Joined: 11 May 2019, 17:56
x 1981

Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

I think you might have missed a page from a couple of weeks ago Steve!

mickthemaverick wrote:
10 Apr 2020, 15:43
This tickled me, hopefully you can view the video!!