Joke I found funny...

[mickthemaverick]

I had a similar problem throughout my childhood believing that Ginalolla Brigida was a film star!

[Paul-R]

A perfect example of a Mondegreen.

When I was a child I would see the notice on the back bus seats which said: "The Company will press for heaviest penalties against offenders".

In my child's mind I imagined inspectors going around pressing on the seats looking for damage caused by the heaviest passengers that had sat on them. Not a Mondegreen, just a lack of comprehension.

[white exec]

Another open to misunderstanding...
"Gentlemen Lift the Seat"
(made famous by a Beyond the Fringe sketch, iirc)

[mickthemaverick]

I feel we may be edging into four candles territory here!

[white exec]

How about "Gladly My Cross I'd Bear" ?

Or, thanks to Lynne Truss...

[mickthemaverick]

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins £200.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. Once all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for £200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says,

Spoiler: show

"we were married for 25 years."

[Paul-R]

Patient: Doctor, I'm allergic to pantomimes.
Doctor: Oh no you're not.

A woman is in the public library where she sees a dog playing chess with a man.
"That's one clever dog." she says to the man.
"Not really," the man replies "I win more than he does."

First man: I slept like a log last night.
Second man: That's good.
First man: Not really, I woke up in the fireplace.

Thank you page 86.

[mickthemaverick]

[Paul-R]

[MrBurns]Excellent[/MrBurns]

[mickthemaverick]

Consternation ran through the neighbourhood today in Hertford when a man, believed to be a member of the FCF, was found digging a six foot hole in his garden. Police are looking into it!

[myglaren]

[Hell Razor5543]

Why Computers are Male;

In order to get their attention you have to turn them on,
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless,
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they are the problem,
As soon as you commit to one you realize if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model,
Big power surges knock them out for the night,
They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

Why Computers are Female;

Nobody but their creator understands their internal logic,
They hear what you say, but not what you mean,
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference,
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong,
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensive to everyone else,
As soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending half your monthly salary on accessories for it.

Page 120 - Page 121.

[Paul-R]

Ha ha. Not my pages 120 - 121!

[Hell Razor5543]

I have just found (in my arsenal of humour/terror) a copy of "Simon Mayo Confessions", a compilation of the confessions heard on Radio 2 Drivetime. Some are cringeworthy, but others had me in hysterics. I can recall occasions (when driving) having to pull over because I was laughing so hard I was becoming a danger to other road users.

[mickthemaverick]

I feel I should warn you that I have a copy of Des O'Connors Gags for TV upstairs and if this trend to comic books continues I may be forced to release it, and believe me you really don't want that!!