Joke I found funny...

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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

What's brown and sticky?
Spoiler: show
A stick
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

What's green and goes red at the touch of a button?

Kermit in a food blender.
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

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Hell Razor5543 wrote:
11 Apr 2020, 15:55
The sergeant major growled at the young recruit "Jenkins, I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!". Jenkins replied "Thank you very much, sir".
:rofl2: :rofl2: Quality :-D
Steve Walsh
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Steve Walsh »

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with (-expletive removed-) blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said, with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!!
Hell Razor5543
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Hell Razor5543 »

An Army general and a Navy admiral were out on a lake, in a dinghy, fishing when a storm blew up. Despite all of their best efforts the dinghy capsized, and they were left floundering in the water. The general managed to right and then get back into the dinghy. He then rescued the admiral, who was having difficulty staying afloat. "Thanks", gasps the admiral, "but can we keep this between you and me? If the Navy found out I could not swim I would be in disgrace". "Sure", replied the general, "if you do the same for me. I would hate it if my men found out I couldn't walk on water!".

An old sea captain is grilling a young Navy recruit. "If a storm blew up from the starboard side what would you do?". "I would throw out an anchor" replied the recruit. "What would you do if a storm then blew up from the port side?". "I would throw out another anchor" came the reply. "What if a storm blew up astern?" asked the captain. "I would throw out another anchor" said the recruit. "Just a minute" said the captain "just where are you getting all of these anchors?". "From the same place you are getting these storms" responded the recruit.

A cargo aeroplane is waiting to depart from an airbase in Greenland, and has to get the waste tanks pumped out. Eventually the tanker arrives (late), and the driver gets on with the task, but he is taking a lot longer than the aeroplane commander thinks the task should take. Finally he shouts at the driver that, if he does not get a move on, the commander will have him punished. The driver responds "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 degrees below zero, I am stationed far from civilization, and I am pumping sewage from aeroplanes. Just what can you do to punish me?".

During WWII some German soldiers were pillaging villages and raping women wherever they went. Word got ahead of them. In one village they found only two people left; a young boy of ten and great grandmother of ninety seven. The Germans demand "Bring us food". "Sir", says the young boy "we only have a loaf of bread". "War is war" say the soldiers, and they take the loaf of bread. "Bring us wine" they now demand, and the young boy says "We only have one bottle of wine". "War is war", comes the reply, and they take the bottle of wine. "Bring us women" is the next demand. "There is only one woman left" cries the young boy. "War is war" comes the usual response, and so the young boy gets his grandmother. "Uh, I think we will let you off this time" say the soldiers. "Oh, no" shouts the grandmother "War is war".

(I had to live up to my usual standards for my 10,000th post!).
Last edited by Hell Razor5543 on 13 Apr 2020, 17:02, edited 2 times in total.
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Congratulations on your 10K James, a magnificent effort in the face of such opposition :-D :-D :-D
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

It's been a while so let's bring on Page 88...

Customer: I bought this record and all I can hear a loud buzzing.
Store assistant: Ah, you must have been playing the B-side.

What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
A teapot!

What did Obi Wan-Kenobi say to Luke Skywalker when he kept eating with his fingers?
Use the fork, Luke!
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

One grin and two groans :-D :roll: :roll:
I guess this means we have another 87 pages to look forward to :shock: :shock: and then the back half of the book :hb: :hb: :hb:
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Paul-R
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by Paul-R »

Yup!
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

Can't wait :-D :rofl2:
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myglaren
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by myglaren »

I'm sure there was a groan button here somewhere.
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mickthemaverick
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by mickthemaverick »

There could be there Steve but my arms arn't long enough to reach it!! I havn't got one here :(
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RainbowStalin
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by RainbowStalin »

MikeT wrote:
26 Sep 2010, 20:14
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
LOL! I laughed my ass off on this one! :rofl2:
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CitroJim
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Re: Joke I found funny...

Post by CitroJim »

myglaren wrote:
14 Apr 2020, 18:25
I'm sure there was a groan button here somewhere.

Goodness knows we need one :roll: