Joke I found funny...

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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

This one's been about for a few years now and I'm surprised it's not made an appearance here already.

Just found it so here it is:

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."
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Post by MikeT »

As some of you have shown interest in aviation, here's some relative funnies (some allegedly true stories) that made me chuckle;




A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.

Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The £5000 machine then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused PC's.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland.

Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape:

"Thank you for your letter, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had also automatically armed air-to-ground (ALARM) missiles ready to neutralize the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched.

The Police have so far declined to comment.

__________

A DC-10 had landed a little fast and thus had a long roll out after touch down:

San Jose Tower: American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadelope exit off the highway 101, make a right at the traffic lights and return to the airport.

__________


Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

__________


..... a commercial airport in Texas

The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out:

"Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis."


__________


(I particularly like this one.....)

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

'Ah', the fighter pilot remarked, 'The dreaded seven-engine approach.'


__________


Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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DickieG
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Post by DickieG »

A brilliant article about the new religion of Pastafarianism, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the right to wear a pasta strainer as "religious headgear" on your driving licence photo :lol: on the BBC website :lol:
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Post by addo »

Does this mean you'll now be a convert to "Talk Like a Pirate Day"? :lol:
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Post by Trainman »

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn't be surprised when kids misbehave, they get it from their story books
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Post by MikeT »

I just heard on the news:


Thailand looks set to get it's first female prime minister...





... or is it?
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myglaren
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Post by myglaren »

MikeT wrote:I just heard on the news:


Thailand looks set to get it's first female prime minister...





... or is it?
Yes! :)
MikeT
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Post by MikeT »

myglaren wrote:
MikeT wrote:I just heard on the news:


Thailand looks set to get it's first female prime minister...





... or is it?
Yes! :)
I guess I should have used the tongue-in-cheek smiley as it was obviously too subtle a joke. :wink:

Emphasis now added.
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

MikeT wrote: I guess I should have used the tongue-in-cheek smiley as it was obviously too subtle a joke. :wink:
I got it immediately Mike....

Maybe it's how my mind works in that I love subtle jokes like that...

Made me fairly howl when I first read it...
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myglaren
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Post by myglaren »

Not sure I get it now - presumably a BDSM reference :oops:
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $800,000 home, an $85,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.


Shamelessly stolen from a friend's email.
Trainman
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Post by Trainman »

Next time someone rings your home phone test their intelligence by replying with, "Hi, can I call you back I'm driving"
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Xaccers
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Post by Xaccers »

myglaren wrote:Not sure I get it now - presumably a BDSM reference :oops:
Ladyboys Steve, something you (fortunately) appear to have never come across (oh gawd don't let Malcolm see what I've written!). :)

Don't even think about looking it up on google!
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CitroJim
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Post by CitroJim »

Xac wrote: Don't even think about looking it up on google!
Good advice Xac.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
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myglaren
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Post by myglaren »

Hmmm :?
I certainly didn't get the LadyBoys association, just saw a rather fine looking woman and wondered if the reference was to Thai (tie) in Thailand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
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Xaccers
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Post by Xaccers »

myglaren wrote:Hmmm :?
I certainly didn't get the LadyBoys association, just saw a rather fine looking woman and wondered if the reference was to Thai (tie) in Thailand.
Many of the women from Thailand* are actually men Steve.
You can never be truly certain until its too late ;)




*and the internet...