Joke I found funny...

[Steve Walsh]

This made me chuckle

[mickthemaverick]

Own work

[Stickyfinger]

A nice White Wash there mate......I get the same with DAZ


Daz would have been unemployed if I did offer help !

[andy5]

[mickthemaverick]

Riddle

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of
a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the
old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the
perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would
stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think outside of the Box."

HOWEVER....

The correct answer is

Spoiler: show

to run the old lady over and put her out of her
misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings

[myglaren]

A family have a parrot, and after many years, it dies. The wife is distraught, and after a few days, goes to the pet store to get another.

The store owner proudly shows off this wonderful colourful specimen, saying it’s the only one he has in store, and it’s free to a good home.

“But it’s beautiful, how come it’s free”?

“ Ah” says the owner “it has a rather “choice” vocabulary. Y’see, it was handed in by the Madam of the local brothel after the police shut them down last week.”

“I don’t care, I’ll take it” and off she goes.

At home, the parrot looks around and squawks “Bloody ‘ell, a new brothel!”

The woman is horrified… the parrot carries on.. “Bloody ‘ell, the madam’s fat”… “Bloody ‘ell, it’s warm in ‘ere” … “Bloody ‘ell, gimme a drink”… the woman’s two daughters, late teens and early 20’s, hear the commotion and walk in the room

“Bloody ‘ell, some new tarts!”

The girls think it’s hilarious, and burst out laughing, which gets the attention of their dad, who’s out in the garden. He walks in the room and the parrot shrieks

“Bloody ‘ell Dave, haven’t seen you for over a week ……..”

[andy5]

From elsewhere:

The cleaning lady just phoned. She says she's working from home, and will send in instructions what to do.

[Gibbo2286]

It's grandma's hundredth birthday, the family are throwing a big party for her.

As the evening wears on she can be seen leaning more and more to the side so they keep propping her back to upright.

The local news man calls in, he askes her how she's enjoying the party.

"I would enjoy it more if this lot would let me fart."

[andy5]

[Steve Walsh]

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

Not a joke, but it made me laugh!! Just found this on Ebay, what was that about metrication?

Safety & Security Window Film Roll - Clear Anti Shatter Film - UV Protection
20" 30" 40" 60" widths and 1m 3m 5m 10m 30m lengths

[Peter.N.]

Reminds me of when we first came down here. I needed a new hot water cylinder, as we were now metric I ordered it in mm, certainly said the man, brought it down and put it on the counter, on the side was written 36 x 15.

Peter

[mickthemaverick]

Last night wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.

When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once, the lying bitch.

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.

[myglaren]

We are a fortnight into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.