Joke I found funny...

[myglaren]

Tescos, good, occasionally busy later.

Sainsburys, moderate to good, sale on Corn Flakes.

Asda, slight to moderate, heavy crowds by evening.

Marks and Spencers and Co-Op, fair.

Waitrose fair to moderate, spillage in aisle 7.

Lidl, rough at first, moderate later.

And that is the end of the Shopping Forecast.

[Paul-R]

[myglaren]

[Paul-R]

[Steve Walsh]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

[mickthemaverick]

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and
stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her
forehead and realised she was just on standby.

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing £10 in 50p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

Spoiler: show

'I think so. Provided those (-expletive removed-) at Jewsons deliver the effing bricks on time.'

[myglaren]

[myglaren]

[mickthemaverick]

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

Spoiler: show

PINOT MORE

[Steve Walsh]

[Paul-R]

Damn, I was just about to post that myself!

[Stickyfinger]

Just .....