Haynes Manual Explained

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allmond
Posts: 214
Joined: 28 Feb 2001, 02:02

Haynes Manual Explained

Post by allmond » 24 Feb 2003, 01:37

I got this email today.........
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist sharing it with everyone........
Jamie[:o)]
> Subject: Haynes manuals explained.
>
>
> Haynes Manual's Explained
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> anticlockwise.
>
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now
you
> are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
> Haynes: Pry...
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
> Haynes: Undo...
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
>
> Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
> Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
> dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
>
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead
> are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
> Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it
up?
>
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map
of
> the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
>
> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> Translation: Make sure you won't need your motor bike for a couple of
days.
>
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
>
> Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
>
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it
> at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
>
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking
> at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
> it's going to need a new one"
>
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
> know.
>
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
> Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start
to
> feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
>
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> Translation: Snap off...
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively,
> clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Index
> Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

B_Draper
Posts: 61
Joined: 16 Feb 2001, 18:51

Post by B_Draper » 24 Feb 2003, 04:27

Got this a while ago from the uk.rec.car.* forums and though it was genious!
Still makes me laugh out loud!

Homer
Posts: 1454
Joined: 26 Feb 2003, 11:52
x 5

Post by Homer » 26 Feb 2003, 12:43

Good job I didn't read that in the middle of the day.
It's 6.30am and there is one other person at the far end of the office and they had to come over to see what the commotion was about.
Funniest thing I have read in a long long time.
[:o)][:D][:o)][:D]

jkirkwood
Posts: 23
Joined: 01 Apr 2003, 17:27

Post by jkirkwood » 02 Apr 2003, 15:53

Bloody brilliant. I had to stop halfway and wipe my eyes!
Actually I am developing a soft spot for the writers of the Haynes Manuals (Especially the guys who do the wiring diagrams). It's a peat bog in the west of Ireland.

shaunthesheep
Posts: 364
Joined: 16 Jul 2002, 14:42

Post by shaunthesheep » 03 Apr 2003, 01:03

oh yes, had me rofl with tears in my eyes [:D][:D][:D]
dom

Sl4yer
Posts: 848
Joined: 12 Apr 2003, 04:29

Post by Sl4yer » 12 Apr 2003, 05:38

LOL! Thats good....especially the deep abrasions!
Haynes just goes to show how much easier it is to dismantle a brand new car than a ten year old one IMO.

c5owner2002
Posts: 6
Joined: 17 Apr 2003, 02:33

Post by c5owner2002 » 17 Apr 2003, 03:46

Having just bought a new C5, I thought I might Email Mr Haynes and ask about the possibility of a C5 manual.......
Answer?
'We do not produce a manual for this car and have no plans to produce one'
Reckon I'll just have to upgrade the onboard software in the time honoured fashion. (Clamp firmly with Mole grip and beat........!!)
Makes you think, though. I reckon mr H is either going to have to move with the times or accept the automotive world is passing him by!
Graeme