The REAL Haynes Manual...

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philhoward

The REAL Haynes Manual...

Post by philhoward »

Hope you like this one...
HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS
For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual in attempting home
maintenance of a car. For those who have not used a Haynes Manual,
these are the books aimed at car-owners who want to fix their own cars
and which keep
qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards.
They
are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are
obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are
frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants
to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat
repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is
anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable
wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable
wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable
wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are
doing now cannot
be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch
it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring
diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have
been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days
and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of
the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can
start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't
come undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want
to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length
of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly
with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here
somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before
chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some
congealed washing
up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar
texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.
The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford
Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed
to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the
engine compartment
or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked
like
didn't give the reader any clues!
THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:
Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount
of cash.
Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too
scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for
drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the
rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part
you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you
to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front wing (fender).
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds
them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
BR
Phil[:D][:D]
Stuart McB
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Post by Stuart McB »

I've seen these loads of times and STILL laugh out loud. I never seem to get btired of these. LOL
bikeboyz
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Post by bikeboyz »

The most common one is
CONSULT YOUR PEUGEOT DEALER
answer - becuase they haven't got a f*****g clue either!
Even my 504 manual has this regarding front shocks, where as Autobooks devotes a whole chapter to the subject in fine detail.
bxbodger
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Post by bxbodger »

Heres my favourite Haynsism, from page 21 of the XUD engine manual, under 'engine noises'
" To inexperienced ears the diesel engine sounds alarming, even when there is nothing wrong with it........[:D]"
How right they are!!!!!
jeremy
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Post by jeremy »

does this apply to the Baby manual?
jeremy
paranoid
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Post by paranoid »

<blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.
<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"></font id="quote">
Been there done that, A transit one will lift the front of the ground
ACTIVE8
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Post by ACTIVE8 »

Yes, I too have seen this before, and it's very funny ! [:D]
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